Confidence: How to Live Fearlessly
You will never be successful. I hate to say it, but without this one simple thing, you will never be able to overcome anxiety, develop confidence and achieve your dreams.
But it doesn’t need to be so hard. Here’s why… Low confidence is not genetic and you do not need to rely on others to boost it. There are plenty of things that you can do to increase it on your own. Believing that you are not competent, not smart, not attractive, etc. can all be changed.
Confidence is not measuring yourself against others and winning. It’s not measuring yourself at all. Doing something while observing yourself is actually being critical and is removing your self-confidence.
Being self-critical is the enemy. Imagine the following:
Picture two girls looking at themselves in a mirror. Girl one keeps saying “I’m pretty, I’m pretty, I’m pretty”. Girl two keeps saying “I’m ugly, I’m ugly, I’m ugly”
Which one is confident? Neither, because they are both being self-critical. The real confident girl is out and focused on the moment. Being focused on others and how they feel. This takes you out of being critical of yourself. The reason we are critical of ourselves is because of fear.
Fear Cure: How Fear Manipulates Your Brain
Your fear and your dreams are interlinked. If you don’t separate them from one another then your dreams will always be terrifying. Embarking on a journey to achieve your dreams will conjure subtle anxieties, that will shape your decision-making process.
One of the things that hold you back from pursuing your dreams is fear of failure. Human beings during the course of a normal mundane life must face their fears at some point. Confidence is normally put to test when you go beyond your comfort zone.
Or in other words, doing something that triggers fear. Since people are afraid, they don’t learn to be confident in tasks or areas that make them uncomfortable. We all hate being uncomfortable and fear makes us the most uncomfortable. So the key question is: how do you overcome that fear?
Exposure to your fear little by little. This process is also known as exposure therapy. To put it in a different way, you have to practice having fear so your brain can adapt and learn that the fear is actually “safe”.
[Editor’s Note: There is a right way and a wrong way to practice exposure therapy. This article is for educational and informative purposes and the reader should do their own research into any kind of therapy. For further information, the editor suggests practicing rehearsing fearful situations in the mind, gradually and increasingly in order to ‘expose’ oneself to uncomfortable feelings brought about by situations, but in a safe environment. Check out Psychocybernetics by Maxwell Maltz for more information. The editor also suggests reading Anxious by Joseph E. LeDoux for further information on how exposure therapy can be applied safely and correctly.]
Punch Your Fear in the Face, & Escape Your Average Life
You can conquer your fear even if you don’t feel like it’s possible. You have everything you need at your disposal. A working brain and the ability to take action.
Fear, anxiety, panic, and embarrassment have been around for millions of years. They are all part of your “Primitive Defense Mechanism”. The reason we have this mechanism is to make us behave cautiously in the primitive world. The reasons for this are many but the main one is so we don’t end up as food for some other creature.
This mechanism is super important and guides our everyday life.
Fear: Watches what you do and keeps you away from danger. It’s a mental “program” that runs in the back of your mind. It prepares you to escape in case of any trouble.
It remembers trouble and when you get into a similar situation it prevents you from getting into the same type of trouble BEFORE it happens.
Your fear does not like change. It wants you to play it safe and not go too far away from your cave or village. It’s doing this because traveling away too far away from your “comfort zone” will probably get you eaten by some hungry beast.
But we don’t live in the jungle anymore.
In the modern world, NOT taking risks can be dangerous. Why? Missed opportunities, dead-end jobs, procrastination about many different aspects of your life. In the modern world, those who take risks get the spoils.
In the modern world, failure is rarely met with death and disaster. We are more likely to become embarrassed or lose money or time. So the penalty is not as severe.
The Breakthrough Process for Your Subconscious Fears
You miss out on opportunities in life because you can’t deal with new fears that pop up. Whether it’s public speaking, being thrust into a leadership role, or asking a girl on a date, we just don’t feel equipped to handle the challenges we face. But I got your back don’t worry.
You need to step outside your comfort zone. You must walk towards the things that scare you. Defy the inner animal screaming at you. Shrieking in your mind, that walking up to that pretty girl is “not safe”. Act as if the world is safe because it has never been safer than it is right now.
The more you challenge your fear the more it goes away. Your brain adapts and reprograms itself to see what you are doing as beneficial instead of a liability.
After you have reduced fear to nothing a few times you begin to relate to fear in a whole new way. It becomes the feeling you associate with excitement and challenge.
This is the best method to overcome the excessive caution we have in the modern world. Our ancient fear of tigers has transferred to the office, money, and our dating lives. Our fear in the modern world is just simply not needed.
Fearless Confidence to Boost Your Social Likeability
Rock stars, actors, extreme sports guys are all super sexy. You are not because you have not done something that they have. Mastered the components of fear. So what are the key components of overcoming fear? Belief.
Belief in your competence. This is when you have mastered a skill and feel confident to use that skill or teach it to others.
If you learn to ride a bicycle and then ride it every day for years then you will never feel fear or anxiety to ride it. You will also be confident to teach this skill to others because you have “mastered” riding a bike.
If you have never ridden a bicycle in your life then the sudden need to ride it will result in fear. Mastery of any particular skill results in what is called unconscious competence. Where you are not conscious of what you are doing and you are doing a fine job.
Think about riding a bike while having a conversation. You are not really thinking about how to balance or steer but instead focused on what you are talking about.
Once this level has been achieved then you apply the skill without thinking about it. This makes you confident in your ability. Like riding a bicycle without thinking.
Belief in your ability to problem-solve. This belief takes place normally in an area where you have had ZERO training. You develop a belief in yourself that you can figure out the solution. In order to do this, you need to overcome the voice in your head that tells you “you can’t do this”.
This voice is your inner dialogue, but it has the power over your fear. However it only has the power you give it. You will need to mentally overcome past fears and anxieties to overcome this particular fear. However past failures and anxieties ARE NOT good predictors of future failure.
So all you need to do is force yourself to do the things that give you fear and anxiety. But the mind is a tricky bastard and doesn’t want to let you do that. The human mind is super creative and resourceful in its methods for deceiving its owner.
Think about people who say they will go to gym or stick to a diet. They believe it with all their heart when they say it. They are not lying to try deceive people when they say they will do it. Their brain is just being a sneaky ninja bastard. The truth is that it can be done. Even by you.
Because overriding your brain’s “fear trigger” is a skill, and we all know skills can always be learned. Facing your fears constantly and consistently is a proven way to remove them. It just requires effort.
Turn Self-Doubt Into Action
No one is asking you to swim with sharks or wrestle a grizzly bear. You will need to do something waaaaay more scary.
Confront the hidden fears that reside in your mind. Listen to the little voices that tell you negative shit about yourself. Those voices are liars and deceivers. They tell you that approaching a girl is dangerous or bad. They say that girls won’t like you unless you are rich. Fuck that inner voice!
Lets investigate these fearful inner voices. Where does self-confidence come from?
Money? Good looks? Fame? Talent? Being Liked/loved by other people? Always doing the “right” thing? Making a contribution to society? Helping others?
All these personal values are very fragile. Because all these things can be taken away from you easily. This triggers fear and gives us a built-in PANIC or “fear of loss”.
So our fear takes over and tries to protect us from losing these things.
– Money: can be lost
– Good looks: can fade
– Fame: can turn into infamy
– Talent: can be squandered
– Being Liked/loved: can disappear
– Always doing the “right” thing: can turn out to be the wrong thing.
– Making a contribution to society: can degrade or be rejected.
– Helping others: can be met with resentment and hostility.
The only way to have self-confidence without building in on the above weak foundations is to fall in love with your own life. See other people as visitors in your reality. Make and design a life to be excited about. Work towards it every day.
It won’t take long before you DON’T recognize yourself or the amazing life you have built. If you allow yourself to be a victim of external situations and circumstances then you will never have true confidence.
The same can be said for allowing others to change your emotional state. It will also prevent you from ever having true confidence. I want the kind of confidence that can’t be shaken by anything. Don’t you?
A Breakthrough Process for Healing Your Subconscious Mind
Confidence is not “She will like me.” Confidence is “I’ll be fine whether she likes me or not.” I had been lied to by pretty much everyone in our society. Lied to about what confidence is, where it comes from, and how it applies to attraction.
“Be yourself” was the number one piece of advice. This is the best and worst advice ever because it’s correct and incorrect at the same time. This is going to make you squirm but it needs to be said. You are not being yourself. Now before you jump to conclusions think about this. If you have fears and anxieties, they are preventing you from behaving like yourself. Fear stops you from walking up to that girl you like and starting a conversation. If you were free of fear you WOULD walk up to her. This, my dear reader, is truly being yourself. You are doing what you want free from judgments and fears. Being free of these things gives you confidence to do the things you want in life.
Transform Your Life Through Action
So how do you be yourself? By Removing your fears and anxieties. How do you remove them? Face them consistently and constantly.
The more you face them the more your brain will adapt and reduce the fear response. Do this in enough areas of your life and you will start to feel free from all anxiety. Then you will start to know what it truly means to “just be yourself”.
“I’ll be fine either way, if it goes well great, if it goes bad I’ll figure it out.” Once you have overcome a few of your main fears and anxieties then something interesting happens. Women start to respond to you differently.
Women are more attracted to men who are not afraid. This comes from our caveman ancestors when everyone needed men to fight off dangerous animals to save the women and children. Women are still subconsciously looking for this quality in men today.
If you have fears and anxieties about how you look or how much money you have, then it broadcasts as general fear. She sees it in your body language and tone of voice, and her attraction for you decreases.
If you are not feeling general fear and anxiety you are going to behave in a very different way. Your mentality changes from “I wonder if she will like me”, to “I wonder what she is like”.
Nothing feels better than progress. Losing weight, gaining muscle, getting a better job, etc. All these things require a person to conquer their multiple fears on each goal. I conquered being obese and there were countless mini fears that I had to overcome so that I could beat it.
Each fear is different and varies in level of terror.
Low level: People at the gym will laugh at my fat giggling as I ran on the treadmill.
High fear: Believing I’m too weak and lazy to pull off such a huge task.
Every journey is fraught with fears and limiting beliefs. The strange thing is that the more fears you overcome, the more your general confidence goes up. The more you conquer, the more bravery you have to tackle the next fear. This is how you start to love your life and achieve true confidence.
Now write a list of your fears and figure out ways you can challenge them. You don’t need to throw yourself into the deep end. Just take action to overcome your fear every day.
“Do one thing every day that scares you” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt