Using online dating apps I have encountered many interesting profiles. I have seen some that I couldn’t really understand why they existed at all. I have also seen some that were great and caught my attention – but these were the minorities, to be honest.
It all starts by deciding what your aim is by using the online dating app. There is a big difference between if you only want ONS and if you are looking for a serious relationship. In both cases, the pictures are crucial, of course. Here and now, I would like to write about the dos and don’ts in case you are looking for something serious.
In this article, I would like to share with you my findings as a woman and coach, and the things that caught my attention and what made me decide by the profile if interested or not in a particular man. I would like to help you avoid the typical mistakes I have seen, to ensure that you have a great online dating profile.
The do’s and don’ts
#1 Don’t create fake dating profiles
If you want to find a girlfriend what is the point of having a fake profile? I really don’t get it, though I have seen several of them. They can be identified easily. For example, having photos only made by a professional photographer, which look like some kind of advertisement, downloaded from the internet. They are already pretty suspicious, especially if the man on these pics looks like a model from a magazine… (all due respect and no offense to all those model guys, who are looking for their partners on these platforms).
As a coach, I think about the emotional background of those people, who are creating and using fake profiles. Maybe they don’t even have that much self-confidence to try to find a girlfriend with their own pictures and faces? That can be a pretty negative state of mind, a very deep issue in their souls. But dear Gentlemen, if you never try doing it with your own face, you will never succeed. This is a fact.
I have chatted with such a man recently.
By his pictures and by the description in his profile he seemed to be a nice person. We matched and he wrote to me. However, the texting went very slowly. Responding to me only every other day, only one sentence and nothing more. It was not a fluid conversation, to say the least. After some days, I wrote to him that it seems that our pace of getting to know each other was not really coinciding, so I thanked him for his time, but I would not like to continue. When he read the message (we were texting on WhatsApp by that time), he called me instantly.
I was staring at my phone and wondered why…. Why now? Why fail to invest energy into getting to know me, and not replying to me yet now he calls me right away? I answered the call. And when talking to this man on the phone, explaining to him the same thing that I had written him, I immediately realized: This man is not the man in the pictures!! Wait… what?? Eventually, he understood that this is the end and we hung up. But what I really don’t understand is why he was doing this?
What was he expecting based on this fake profile? Was the fact that he was texting with a woman already a big thing for him? Maybe it was. But with such a lie – being the basis of connecting with someone on a dating app – the option of meeting in person is not really an option at all!
This was clearly a waste of my time… And time is one of those things that if you give to someone, you will never get back. What a pity. I would really want that time back and invest in something worthwhile.
Another shade of this type of issue.
A lighter type of this issue is when someone does not use his real name on the dating app. And not because he is hiding, due to being in a relationship and only looking for an easy hook-up. But because the person does not dare to use it. But how come he does not dare?
Let me share a story with you. It was the “floater” guy, I already wrote about in a separate article as a dating experience. He was the one who used a good neutral international name. Only when we met it turned out that this is not his real name. He didn’t dare to use his real name, because then he would be negatively judged based on his nationality, he said.
But come on, guys….Who the hell cares? I mean who cares about the people, who judge you by your nationality, by your name? Would you really want to meet a person, who would not match you if you had your original name, only by the fake name? Can this person really be someone with whom you would be able to be in a happy relationship? Of course not!
The do’s in these cases
Please, Gentlemen, dare to be yourselves! Even if you have had bad experiences in the past. Even if you will have some more in the future. All these experiences teach us something about ourselves and teach us what we need to do. If you show something that is not genuinely you, if you hide parts of yourself from the woman, everything will be based on a lie, already from the start.
And a relationship based on a lie will eventually sink to the bottom of the ocean. Sooner or later.
Furthermore, from a coaching perspective, if a man hides some of his qualities from the woman, it suggests to me that he is not happy with himself, he doesn’t love himself. And if someone doesn’t love himself, he will not be able to love someone else either, he will also not be able to accept love. These are all blocking aspects of a real, happy relationship.
“First, love yourself, get to know who you really are and feel good about it. Then you will be able to have a girlfriend, with whom you can love and from whom you will be able to accept love.”
There are so many profiles on the dating apps, where the Gentlemen do not use any pictures of themselves (and again, I am not talking about the hiding, hook-up searchers). Even though they would like a serious relationship based on their profile description, we – women – cannot see their faces.
However, we can see many different things: amazing landscapes, beaches with gorgeous white sand, his dog/cat/rabbit, pictures of celebrities, fantastic quotes from famous people, blurred pictures where they cannot be seen at all, pictures of them filtered to waste, bathroom mirror selfies where their head cannot be seen (however, not many clothes are put on, of course), pictures only in sunglasses, pictures taken in the gym where they can be seen from behind (??), a picture of their hand on their car’s steering wheel to show the brand of the car (and maybe their expensive watch as well).
Another shocking thing for me is when someone posts pictures in their profile with kids. The problem is not someone having kids. But showing them on a dating app in a way that I could recognize them on the street…. For the sake of the children’s personal rights, do not post them on these apps or at least blur their faces out…
Even though I am (we are all) happy that you have been on vacations to beautiful places, that you have a pet, that you have a Mustang, that you have a six-pack, I still need to see you, to be able to decide whether to swipe left or right. If a woman decides by the brand of your car or your vacation spots whether she would like to match with you (now talking about having a serious relationship), you are already doomed (and I recommend you read my article ‘Women only want money… Is the stigma true?’. You can understand a thing or two from that article as well.)
It is a scientific fact, that men are more visual types – it means that they tend to decide whether to match a woman or not mostly by what they see and only then they will care about other things. But on these online dating apps, even though women are more the emotional and connecting types, we are also forced to decide by the visuality. And if there is no vision, no real decision can be made by us, women.
The do’s to avoid pictureless-ness
Please, Gentlemen, make sure you have proper pictures in your profile. What I am happy to see in a profile are pictures from close, from far, maybe made by a professional photographer, but also some personal ones, because those show the real you. You, that I would like to see. And please, smile at the pictures. It is really not attractive when someone has about 10 pictures in his profile, but he doesn’t smile on any of them. For me, it suggests that this person doesn’t let himself feel good, doesn’t enjoy life, doesn’t know how to have fun, or something similar. Dare to be a man who enjoys life and can also show it in pictures. That can attract women.
Please also make sure, that you are not taking a picture of your ID photo with your phone to post it on the dating site. So disappointing. And yes, still, I have seen this. Being on these dating apps is getting more and more normal, especially in this online era we have been living in. I am sure you have a good friend, whom you can ask to take some pictures of you with your phone.
“Invest some time and energy into this. Post good quality and recent pictures. There can be a pretty good return on this investment, you will see. You don’t have to create an online picture-magazine of you for a dating app, but still, it would be great to see some good photos of you, Gentlemen.”
#3 Empty or negativity-based profile descriptions
Based on my experience I can say that many men do not have anything written in their profile description. Some men have a word or two, maybe a short sentence. Again, some have a longer description of what they do not want, or what type of women they want not to match them. They can even write long-long stories and features of the women whom they want to avoid. But then they write nothing about what they would actually want. They only focus on the negative things, which can come from past bad experiences.
For me, these negative profile descriptions also show, that they are not over those past bad experiences yet. Therefore, they are not ready for a new, real relationship either. It is a hard pass for me, to be honest.
The problem with poor descriptions in the men’s profiles goes back again to women not being the visual types primarily. I can see a handsome man but if he has some good sentences in his profile, that can really bring me closer to the decision of wanting to get to know him more.
The do’s of profile descriptions
You don’t have to write a novel about yourself in your profile (the characters are normally limited anyways). But think about 2-3 things that are important for you in life and write them down. Also, if you know what type of woman you are looking for, write that down as well (in the positive sense). I have seen many profiles written nicely and I am always very happy to read them. Through this, I feel I can get to know the Man a little bit better, at least until we match, text, and meet face to face as well.
“Write about your hobbies, write about how you spend your time, write about what kind of person you are, what your values are in life, how you imagine a relationship working out. Or about anything, that can tell the women a bit more about you than your pictures can”.
Women, who are looking for serious relationships on the dating apps, will read what you write, believe me.
Gentlemen, if you already have a dating profile, it might be useful to go and review it based on the above experiences. Or if you are just thinking about creating one, feel free to use some of these hints & tips for yourself. If you would like to find a girlfriend, maybe the love of your life, it requires some invested time and energy – already at this stage, when setting up your profile.
If you have a good profile, that can also serve as a filter to find the right woman for you, with whom you can be happy on the long run as well.
Best of luck to all of you,
Dori is the founder of the HCT – Holistic Coaching Therapy method, through which she is offering real, profound and long-lasting solutions to the issues of her coaching clients. She helps her clients in the areas of dating, relationships, human connections, self-awareness, self-confidence and holistic mindset. She is the owner of the HCT blog, where she has been writing about these topics (and much more) for years.