We have all heard the saying “Nice guys finish last,” and when we think of Nice Guys, we often have a clear picture in our minds. A nice person who is just a little out of luck.
An adorable loser who has nothing but good intentions, waiting for his turn to get lucky. Dr. Robert Glover shows us that the truth looks a little different. It is true that a Nice Guy usually doesn’t get what he wants, but he is not adorable. He is not even nice.
He is passive-aggressive and can terrorize his social environment through his own forms of manipulation. And while this might sound harsh, Dr. Robert Glover explains in detail why this is the case and more importantly, how men can get rid of their “Nice Guy Syndrome” to live a more integrated and full life.
An absolute must-read for everybody who identifies himself as a Nice Guy, but who doesn’t see becoming a jerk as an appropriate solution. And thanks to Dr. Robert Glover you don’t have to be either. If you are looking for a healthy model of masculinity, and a plan for how to get what you want in business, dating, and sex without manipulation or aggressiveness this book will provide it.
About Dr. Glover
Dr. Robert A. Glover is a licensed marriage and family therapist by profession and the author of the book “No More Mr. Nice Guy.” He is a frequent guest on radio talk shows and podcasts and is often featured in other major publications. He helps men shake the Nice Guy Syndrome through workshops, online courses, therapy groups, consultations, and blog posts. Through his work, he reached thousands of men and helped them live an integrated life and avoid mediocrity.
In the first part of the book, Dr. Robert Glover describes in detail what a Nice Guy is and how he operates. Unfortunately for the Nice Guys, they won’t reach their goals through the methods they apply, which are in fact very likely to do more damage than good. Later in the book Dr. Robert Glover delves into the nitty-gritty and shows us how we can get rid of the Nice Guy Syndrome and offers a healthier solution. So without any more fluff, here is the Menprovement Book Summary of No More Mr. Nice Guy
Why a Nice Guy isn’t a Nice Guy
Before we really get started, let’s define for our purposes what typical Nice Guy symptoms are. Often, a Nice Guy is a giver, fixer, care-taker, approval seeker, and conflict avoider. The Nice Guy will go to great lengths to hide mistakes and flaws and will always seek the “right” way to do things.
He often represses his feelings and has difficulties making his needs a priority while making his partner his emotional center.
The interesting thing is, a nice guy is defined not by his actions, but by his beliefs!
Nice Guys believe, that if they are good, giving, and caring they will be happy and fulfilled. Unfortunately, this often isn’t true. And when a Nice Guy doesn’t get anything back on his investments, he becomes resentful.
So far, so good. But why aren’t Nice Guys nice? There are other traits that characterize a Nice Guy:
~He is dishonest and says what he believes people want to hear.
~He hides his true intention.
~He uses manipulations instead of asking for what he wants directly.
~He is controlling.
~He only gives to get and gets frustrated when he isn’t appreciated.
~He is passive-aggressive and full of rage.
~He can’t set boundaries and say “No!”
These traits make it impossible for a Nice Guy to live a fulfilled life. And as you can expect, it is very unlikely that any partner will be happy in a relationship with a Nice Guy for very long. So how do you get out of your not-so-nice ways?
Become an Integrated Male!
A very common pattern when we want to change a situation is to do the exact opposite of what we’ve done before. This is why Nice Guys often go through a phase of douchebaggery where they become complete jerks. But we all know being a jerk is nothing to strive for. The goal must be to become an integrated male. But what does such a man look like and more importantly what’s the mindset of an integrated male?
~He has a strong sense of self and likes himself.
~He takes care of his needs.
~He is comfortable in his masculinity and sexuality.
~He is a leader.
~He values integrity.
~He expresses his feelings in a very direct fashion.
~He sets clear boundaries and sticks to them.
~He is not afraid of conflict.
~He accepts his flaws and being imperfect.
The core principle of an integrated male is authenticity. Authenticity is not only speaking your mind in any given situation, it is also going for what you want. Your thoughts, words, and actions are all congruent and you are living the way that you think and say you should live!
Being authentic, being comfortable in your masculinity and sexuality, being honest, and having clear boundaries will get you to respect some people and hate others. Unfortunately, our society wants to restrict us from being that kind of man.
People will call you egoistic for having a strong sense of self and taking care of your needs first. They will call you arrogant for liking yourself. They will call you rude when you are honest and when you express your feelings directly.
They will call you intolerant and unable to compromise for sticking to your boundaries. People will talk a lot….and you won’t listen. It doesn’t matter what people think! Most of them are miserable and hate their own lives, so it should come as little surprise that they criticize yours as well.
All that counts is living an integrated life. If it helps you, just remember that people usually dislike what they fear or envy. It is not about you, it is about them. And don’t forget, while a lot of people will dislike you, they will respect you. And you will become more attractive to people that really matter family, friends, colleagues and potential partners. An authentic man who can love himself is rare and no matter what people think of you, they will not be able to help but respect you.
Learn to Please the Only Person who Really Matters
Dr. Robert Glover asks one of those questions, every person should ask him- or herself at least once in a lifetime: If you didn’t care what people thought about you, how would you live your life?
He also asks this question in the context of relationships: If you weren’t concerned with getting the approval of women, how would your relationships be different? As Dr. Glover says, if you are seeking to be the best version of yourself you can never become a DEER in headlights or you can never Defend, Explain, Excuse and Rationalize your actions.
When you are living for someone else, you will often feel the need to do one of the above things to explain why your actions were not in their best interests, however, you need to remember that their actions are never in your best interests!
You have to make yourself a priority and live for your own dreams and desires. This isn’t to say that you should intentionally harm anyone or do things that will cause others pain, but if it comes down to taking the promotion to please your friends and family or packing up and backpacking the world to please yourself, always go with what will leave you happy and fulfilled.
Make Your Needs a Priority and Reclaim Your Personal Power
Realize that no one but yourself is responsible for meeting your needs. Stop blaming and start taking action. Be assertive about your needs and get rid of the hidden agenda.
Never be a wimp and never act like a victim. You should even be thankful for difficult situations, as those present a chance to grow as a person.
Express your feelings, face your fears, set boundaries, and develop integrity. Don’t try to control things out of your control. Be ready to walk away from circumstances and people. Don’t try to make a bad relationship work. End it and find somebody more suitable for you.
Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries
The common theme throughout the book is the importance of boundaries. As a recovering Nice Guy, this might be the most important factor, especially in relationships with women. Nice Guys often believe that not having boundaries, being overly tolerant, and accepting everything their partner does is a beneficial strategy for a relationship. Nice Guys often learn the hard way this isn’t true.
You will need boundaries in order to strengthen the relationship! It is a need for you and for her. Boundaries equal respect and women desire a partner who sets boundaries.
If a man stands up to his woman, he will stand up for his woman. Only when you have boundaries a woman can feel safe in your presence.
In order to evaluate if a boundary is necessary, apply the “second date rule.” Ask yourself: “If this behavior would have appeared on the second date, would there be a third date?”
The Integrated Male and His Women
Dr. Robert Glover gives many great tips about relationships, your own sexuality, and how to deal with women. You should focus on the relationship, not the partner. How does the relationship meet your needs?
Ask yourself if your relationship is healthy. Can you learn from the situations of struggle? Use your boundaries to stop undesirable behaviors of your partner. In fact, you should avoid what Nice Guys do all too often. A Nice Guy often chooses a partner who needs a lot of fixing. He is attracted to problems and wants to fix his partners, as this will give him an opportunity to show the world what a good boyfriend or husband he is AND to get approval. If you have ever been in an unhealthy relationship, you know how well this works…
When it comes to sex, you will also have to change your mindset. This is easier said than done, but use the following guidelines as an orientation as you work on yourself to become an integrated male:
~Get rid of shame and fear about being sexual.
~Get your needs met: quantity and quality.
~Get comfortable being pleasured and ask for it.
~Never avoid conflict because you are scared to lose a sexual opportunity.
~Get rid of porn.
(If you’re wondering why you should get rid of porn, check out this epic article)
More Bits of Knowledge
You can apply everything you just learned to your daily life and even your job. Be fearless and know that you will be able to handle any situation. Take every chance to face fear and seek conflict in order to grow. Don’t try to be perfect, good enough is good enough. Identify how you sabotage yourself and ask for help if you need to.
Personal Thoughts and Putting Knowledge into Practice
When I read the definition of a Nice Guy, I felt like Dr. Robert Glover had followed me around for the last couple of years. I felt like he had been hiding in bushes observing me and taking notes. He was so spot on with his description of the behavior and the related mindset of a Nice Guy. Even though I already started to change my behavior and beliefs when I read the book, I learned a lot.
Setting boundaries was always extremely hard for me. I always believed in tolerating people, including my partners, exactly the way they are. This is important to live in a peaceful society, but unfortunately, too much tolerance doesn’t serve you well in a relationship.
It is not easy to develop this skill and to actually say “No!” more often, but the benefits are tremendous. Not only will it improve all kinds of relationships, not only the one with your partner, but it will also help you trust yourself.
Dr. Robert Glover explains how only we are responsible for taking care of our needs. I agree. And I believe only we are capable of meeting our needs. This book offers a great way of approaching healthy masculinity. I speak of healthy masculinity as I believe not only you will benefit from the transformation you will go through, but your partner and everybody around you will, too.
A lot of the material in this book is a bitter pill to swallow, especially because the changes we are about to make are very difficult. But the rewards are even bigger.
A must-read for every Nice Guy and every man in general.
All the best.