How much have we been taught to believe that boredom is an inevitable part of relationships, especially if you have been in one for say, longer than six minutes? What if boredom in relationships is not inevitable, significant, or even a problem? What if it’s just indicative of a different choice we have that we aren’t making? Let me explain a little. I once asked a friend and mentor, “What is boredom actually about?” and he said, “If you are bored, it’s because you don’t want to have fun. If you were having fun, you would stop being bored.”Really? That simple?
Is boredom really a choice we are making not to have fun? Surely it’s a bit more… complicated? Well, no. And if you take a closer look, the simplicity of realizing that boredom is just a choice gives us the ability to bust a few other myths. If boredom is just a choice, then being bored in your relationship is not:
- A sign something is wrong with your relationship
- A sign there is something wrong with you
- A sign there is something wrong with your partner
- A symptom of deeper, underlying issues
- Unchangeable or difficult to change
If you are currently bored in your relationship (and assuming you actually would like to stay in the relationship and not leave it), then probably one or more of these things is also true:
- There are possibilities for fun in your relationship that you haven’t discovered or taken advantage of yet
- You are probably functioning in some unconscious ways that are hindering the joy (either a little or a lot) and you can change it with some simple tools
- Worst case scenario – you do not like fun
Now, if you don’t like having fun, then the rest of this article is probably going to be useless to you. But if we go with the idea that you do like fun, then the boredom in your relationship is really just an indicator that it’s time to change your approach to things. There is a whole world of enjoyment available and let’s face it – if you are in a relationship, it should be enjoyable, it should be fun, or else why are you doing it?
Here are 3 ways you can start changing the boredom in your relationship and have more fun. Let’s start with the weirdest one first, because it’s one of my favorites:
1. Wake up with a new person each day
Life is so much more fun when you don’t know exactly what is going to happen, right? It’s called an adventure. We quickly lose the sense of adventure in a relationship when we settle into these well-worn grooves and stop looking at our partner with wonder and curiosity.
That sense of wonder was probably what got you both started in the first place! Here is how you can start to get it back: Imagine if you woke up with a new person every morning? And what if you don’t have to go to bed with a different person each night to do it? Think along the lines of Drew Barrymore’s character in the “50 First Dates” movie.
If you woke up each day with no memory or ability or desire to reference the past, and all you had was a mystery ahead with this gorgeous stranger beside you, what would you choose? Basically, what if you could give your relationship the ultimate clean slate (without having to resort to actual amnesia) every day?
Every morning, take a moment to sit with the energy you have around your relationship at that moment – whatever thoughts, feelings, and emotions you have, good and bad – then (either silently to yourself or say out loud) completely destroy and uncreate your relationship.
It’s kind of like energetically “letting go”… but on steroids. Sound harsh? Not at all. I knew a woman who asked her husband after 20 years of marriage, “Darling, can we please destroy and uncreate our relationship today and every day?” and he said, “Do you mean you want a divorce?” She said, “No!”
Destroying and uncreating your relationship is not about leaving, breaking up, or destroying what is great about your relationship; it is a simple and yet dynamic practice of consciously discarding the entire backlog of judgments, expectations, projections, resentments, and assumptions that you have built up in your relationship over the days, weeks, months and years.
It’s eliminating the past and giving you and your partner space to re-discover and create your relationship anew. Every. Single. Day. And with none of the crap holding you back.
You don’t have to get your partner to do it for it to work, either. If you are willing to destroy and uncreate everything on your side of it, things will change, and you will be amazed at what begins to open up for both of you.
2. Make a commitment to nurture yourself and each other
Having more fun in your relationship begins with you having fun with you. A lot of times people get into a relationship and give up things they love in favor of spending more time together. If you want to have fun and not boredom, you both need to make sure you nurture yourself individually as well as a couple.
Make a commitment that for one hour a day and one whole day each week you will do something that nurtures your body and soul. It could be a run in the park, getting a massage, or taking up an old hobby again.
Most people don’t allow themselves five minutes, let alone a full hour a day to do something truly just for them and just for fun. It’s amazing the difference it will make if you actually do it.
Of course, if you haven’t been making space to add more fun activities with your partner (not just that kind of fun either), now’s the time to start: date nights, a day trip, tandem uni-cycling. What would be fun for you both to add to your relationship?
It’s not so much what you do like the energy you create when you do it. Whatever you do, do it just for the two of you, and just for the fun of it. And remember: it will be a lot easier for you to find the fun and joy with your partner when you are creating it for yourself as well.
3. Be grateful for the fun you have if you want to have more
What if instead of boredom, you had gratitude? The more you function from gratitude, the more you will see what is great about your relationship, and the easier it will be to generate more of the greatness. What are you grateful for in your relationship and in your partner?
What is already fun about them and about being with them that you haven’t been acknowledging? Take time to stop and be grateful for it. Tell your partner what you are grateful for about them. Make a game of it – if you are having fun, you stop being bored!
Keep seeking the next moment of joy in your relationship. Instead of judging whatever is going on, get into the habit of asking, “What is the easiest thing we could choose right now to make this more fun?” and “What else could I choose that would create more joy for both of us right now?”
I will tell you something else my friend said: Happiness is innate, boredom is not. Just look at little kids and you will see exactly what I mean. It also doesn’t matter how much boredom you have had in your relationship (or your life) up until now, or how long for. It’s a choice to have it and it’s a choice to change it. Now is a new moment, what would you like to choose?