The Do’s and Don’ts of Approaching a Girl at a Bar (From Her)

The Do’s and Don’ts of Approaching a Girl at a Bar (From Her)

The Do’s and Don’ts of Approaching a Girl at a Bar (From Her)

approaching a girl at a bar

Approaching a girl at a bar can be a nerve-raking ordeal, if you do not come to some quick realizations.

1) We are just as nervous as you are.

Being a female, I know what it is like to ask a guy out and to be asked out and hit on. We worry about rejection just like you and we hope you are going to ask us out so we do not have to do it.

2) Rejection is not a big deal.

It is better to be rejected than waste your time on someone who is not really into you. Rejection does not have to be a bad thing; it really does open up other opportunities, as cliché as it is. There will always be another girl out there, I promise.

So, you have spied a girl, been talking/flirting and having fun, but how do you take that step into asking her to come back to your place? Below are the Do’s and Don’ts of getting her home.

Do: Approach her

Lets be honest. Approaching a girl at a bar is a nightmare for some men, and we know it. But understand that most of the time, we want you to approach us. We didn’t spend two hours getting ready to be ignored all night.

If you are interested in us, come say hello. Worse thing that happens is were not interested. But, if you catch our eye, the chance is we are.

Don’t: buy a drink beforehand and approach her with it.

Sit at the bar with her and buy your drinks where she can see them made and given straight to you. Some women may think you are trying to “roofie” or drug them.

As crazy and out there as this may seem to you and me, it is a legitimate problem in the club/bar scene and happens more often than you may think.

Women, typically being the victim of this, are usually more aware of it than men are, therefore we think about it while out, when you may not; but now that you know, you can also be aware and plan accordingly.

Do: be casual when asking her home; using cliché pickup lines is sleazy and no girl will be swooped away by it. 

If you are at the point in the night where you feel comfortable asking her home and having sex with her, you should be able to ask her home casually, without sounding like a creep. A simple, “Hey, ya wanna head back to my place for coffee or a drink?” should do the trick.

Cheesy pickup lines such as “Somebody better call God ‘cause he’s missing an angel” or “hey baby, how do you like your eggs in the morning?” are ridiculous. You are a grown up, act like one.

Don’t: meet a girl and ask her back to your place after only an hour or two.

Asking a girl home too soon just looks sleazy. It makes it seem like you do this all the time and you are so cocky as to think she will come home and give it up that quick. It is just an all-around bad idea.

You want her to know you respect her so she respects you in return. Do not treat her like a piece of meat. Make sure you have at least taken her out on a first date, dinner and a movie for example followed by asking her to coffee or a nightcap at your place.

An exception: Maybe you have been dancing all night, it is heating up between you on the dance floor and you are getting all touchy feely; this is the ideal time to ask her home.  

Do: treat your server well

If you plan to get in her pants, I strongly suggest that you pay the bill. It is a courteous gesture and will get you the points you want to get lucky. It also shows her that you do have money and probably a job, signally stability, which is always a turn on. Paying the bill will show her just want you want to without being blatant about it.

Don’t: flash your cash

When the time comes to pay the bill, do not flash your cash around. As much as money rules the world, we do not find it impressive when men flaunt their cash. Actually it is a down right turn off.

Do: make sure your place is clean and suitable for company, woman company. 

Make sure there are minimal to no dishes in the sink and absolutely no dishes and cups scattered throughout the house; clothing, dirty and clean, should be in their proper places. This means the hamper or drawers, not the floor or under the bed and shoved in the closet.

Don’t: ask her back with the line that includes the promise of a nightcap, coffee or some sort of food and not have it to serve.

This site has a great article with simple drinks and their components, so you can have a neat selection of nightcaps to wow her as well. READ IT!

A few simple drinks will be sufficient; having some beer is also a good option. The object is not getting her inebriated; it is to get her undressed.

Do: be prepared for overnight company.

Make sure your room mates know you will have a guest, if you have them and make sure they are okay with it.

If you plan to have her stay over, have a clean bathroom for one; no hair all over or piss stains on the underneath of the toilet, make it clean. You know what your mother would ask for, do that. Have clean towels, an extra and new toothbrush, you can find them at the dollar store and make sure there is actually shampoo and conditioner in the shower for her. Do not do the typical guy-hair-and-body-wash thing.

Also, do not make it shampoo and conditioner for women because you do not want her to think you have girls over every night of the week, even if you do. You want to make her feel comfortable, but not too comfortable.

Don’t: come unprepared. Pun intended. 

Make sure there are condoms at the ready. Do not rely on her to bring protection; odds are she will not.

If you think you are going to get lucky, then be prepared for it. You do not want to be ready to get it in and find out neither one of you has a condom.

Do not listen to her if she says she is on birth control. A girl who says this is sleezy and you run the risk of contracting something that is preventable; a child, not to mention all the communicable diseases. Yuck! Do not trust her; send her on her merry way. This may take the fun out of the whole thing, but it is a real concern and something you should keep in the forefront of your mind. You will regret it one day if you do not.

Do: take no for an answer

No, means no and if she does not really want to go home with you, why would you waste your time?

She does have the right to say she does not want to go home with you, remember that and respect it. If she opts out, that does not mean she will not opt in later. Give her your number instead and ask if she would give you hers so you can call her for another night out. If she also opts out to extending her phone number, while only taking yours, it is a sign to move to the next girl; she is clearly not interested and you should not waste your time.

Don’t: leave her stranded.

If you took a cab back to your place, she does not have transportation and it would be nice if you paid for her cab home if she is not staying the night. On the other hand, if you would like her to leave shortly after, make sure she knows this upfront and before she comes over.

If you do plan for her to spend the night, be prepared she may not leave immediately in the morning. This means you do not kick her out before the sun comes up; that is not spending the night. This means that you should also let other people who live with you know someone may be staying over and find out if they are okay with it.

Exception: once home, when you are starting to get frisky, you find there is not really the chemistry you thought there would be, or she’s not as experienced as you would like or whatever reason you may find, it is okay to politely ask her to leave. You could look at the clock and comment on how late it is getting and you have work or plans for early in the morning. If you do not plan to call her again then it does not really matter if you are obvious in your asking. Whatever your reasoning is, if you do ask her to leave prematurely then you are paying her cab fare home. It is only proper to do so because then you are not a complete jerk leaving her high and dry.


There are so many different girls out there and that I cannot tell you exact line to say.

What I gave you here are the do’s and don’ts of asking a girl home. It’s simple, as I said; “do you want to head back to my place for coffee or a drink?” should really be all you need to get her home; if she wants to go with you that is.

The real key to all of this is realizing when you are wasting your time. Asking her back to your place for coffee and a drink is as obvious as it comes in asking someone to come home and fuck you. If she does not respond to this gesture, maybe it is time for you to move on down the line.

With these simple tips, it should be easy coming up with a way to ask her home that fits your exact situation.

Happy dating,

– Jane Vineyard

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37 thoughts on “The Do’s and Don’ts of Approaching a Girl at a Bar (From Her)”

  1. -Jane Vineyard
    I think some guys forget what a social gathering was made for. Going there just to be the creepy guy stalking women or a place to go an relax, have a good time, maybe get lucky with a girl you decided to say hi to, lol. Great post.

    • Thank you guys for the kind words! I really appreciate the feedback, even if it were to be negative! 🙂 It all teaches you something; either keep doing it the same way, or change it! So thank you! 🙂
      Jeremy Truvilion, you said it very well. Guys don’t remember what social gatherings are for anymore. Hell, sometimes women don’t either! I don’t know why I didn’t think about this while writing the article, but if you go out with the thought in your mind that you’re just going out to have fun and not necessarily to pick someone up and get it in, you would really have a better change at getting lucky. You won’t come off as desperate and we all know how that can be a huge turn off! You know how when you’re running late and misplaced something and you’re so frantic trying to find it, you never find it. Even when it’s right in front of your face! Dating and love, if you’re looking for it, can be the same way. We need to remember this!

  2. Thank you guys for the kind words! I really appreciate the feedback, even if it were to be negative! 🙂 It all teaches you something; either keep doing it the same way, or change it! So thank you! 🙂
    Top Dog, I like how you said you try to find something funny she’s never heard before as an ice breaker. So long as its not super lame, I like this. Girls like guys who can make them laugh. Making someone laugh is a huge turn on, being able to laugh at YOURSELF is an even BIGGER turn on! It shows that you have self confidence to be comfortable enough to make fun of yourself, it shows you’re humble. All turn ons for women and I imagine it’s also a turn on for men. Men really don’t realize women look for almost the same things guys do, aside from wanting a masculine, protector. I assume you guys don’t want that! 😉
    Thank you again for the kind words and after the nothing-can-right-today day I had, it brought much needed smiles to my face, so thank you so much! Good luck and happy dating guys!
    Much love – Jane

  3. This is absolutely vile advice on how to mistreat your fellow human beings. You treat girls like condoms – use once and discard. People, come back to your senses!!

      • Where do we begin? Consider the following:
        1) Women genuinely detest men.
        2) Women believe men bring nothing to the table in any relationship.
        3) Women go out of their way to be unapproachable.
        4) Women shoot guys down just for the fun of it.
        5) If you’re a guy, you have 2.5 strikes against you already in this feminazi, man-hating universe.
        6) Women step on guys all the time, yet complain that they can’t find a good one.
        That, sir, is what’s up. Welcome to MY world!!!

        • Mickey,
          Your world is the one you create for yourself.
          None of these things are true in my world. But I don’t have your mindset. You should try it sometime.

          • I tried it many years ago when I was much younger. It didn’t get me anywhere. Sorry, but I just do not believe.

  4. Question: Just for laughs, if I buy a woman a drink or two at a bar, then I see her leave with some other dude, what the hell do I do after that???

    • Hey Mickey,
      My name is Sonnie and I am one of the girls that is now writing articles on MenProvement.
      I just read your comments and it makes me feel bad. I can never give up hope of my fairytale because rejection is the number 1 reason why things will fail.
      I know the dating world today is so messed up, both men and women! Women can be really mean and greedy (just to name two.) It’s up to the guy to be selective and make a good decision on who you spend your effort & money on.
      I don’t want you to give up on love, or even being a good man because there are other good people in this world. Maybe it’s far and few between. It’s hard to stay positive, even for me, but I know in my heart that I beleive in love and fairytales. I believe that what you put out into the world is what you will receive. I’m still waiting to see if that holds true. Much love. ~Miss Sonnie

      • Don’t give up? Why the hell not????
        When guys are hit with the “men suck/men are dogs/men are no good” mentality every freaking day, and keep hitting their head against the wall in perpetuity with nothing to show for it, what’s the point?
        We can talk “confidence” until the cows come home. But when one’s confidence in finding that so-called special someone is completely destroyed, all the “rah-rah” speeches in the world will never bring it back.
        It ain’t called “sleeping with the enemy” for nothing…

        • Honestly Mickey, keep in mind when I say this that I also think alot of this article is horseshit and just panders to the political correctness/SJW/3rd wave feminist agenda. With that said, chill out bro. If you’ve had bad luck, it’s not because women hate men as a whole. It’s either because you are inexperienced and are stepping out of your league, you need to change something about your physical appearance or maybe even hygiene, or hell, maybe you have just been running into the wrong women and you have the worst luck on the planet. Either way, just take a deep breath, maybe switch up your style a little bit, go to different types of club/bar scenes, and upgrade your hygiene game. 2 more quick things though bud…one thing I’ve learned is chasing them is the worst thing you can do, women are getting so much attention at bars that they will notice you if you don’t just walk up and hit on her. Maybe give her a glance and when you lock eyes give her a quick smile and go about your business. Be interested, but also alot less interested than the guys drooling all over her. Lastly, be kind of an asshole..not like a “wow this guy is a dick” but more along the lines of how you would talk a little shit to one of your guy friends. The article had one thing right when they said just talk normally, the easiest way to get into her pants, is to not blatantly try to get into her pants. Be bold, funny, and a little mean. Good luck bro. If all else fails, get a fat chick or a hooker for a confidence boost.

        • One more thing, don’t go out looking for a wife. Hell, I’d even say don’t go out with the mission of getting chicks. When you’re single, YOU are top priority, go out to have fun, and go with friends. If you end up meeting a chick, awesome..if you dont, you went out to get drunk and have fun anyways, not to find you future mrs. And for God’s sake man, if you hit it on the first night, don’t go falling in love with her. 70-80% of the time you won’t find your soul mate at the bar/club and end up smashing after 4 hours.

          • Does any of this stuff in the article and replies to over 55 men as I tend to agree with the two guys that felt this advice kind of vulger as I was not aware that I was looking strictly for immediate take home for sex by going to a bar to meet a mate.

  5. 1) “We are just as nervous as you are.” THAT I DON’T BELIEVE!!! As many times as women shoot guys down for the fun of it, there is NO FREAKIN’ WAY that women are just as nervous as men. How’s that even possible???

    • I realize this is a really old thread, but you have to remember at least one thing. Yes, a lot of women do have confidence problems, BUT… Hot or even somewhat hot girls became aware of the fact that they are attractive in like the 4th through 6th grade. You remember… That period of time when the girls were taller, faster, in some cases stronger than us. They mature a lot earlier than we do. On the other hand, some guys are awkward and zit-faced until well into high school. My take from all of this is that they have a lot more experience with being confident than we do.

      Women typically also have, for lack of a better term, a waaaay better ‘Spidey-sense’ than men. Not always, but generally they are much better at ‘reading’ people.

      I’m probably just as frustrated as you, but @David Washington had some great comments. You have to be good with YOU before you can attract women. I don’t have the gift of being able to take women home (except on very rare occasions), but I’ve watched some guys work, and the ones that appear to be most successful are not necessarily great looking or are studs, they just have a quality (which i can’t tell you what that quality is) that is somehow attractive to women.

      I’d love to revive this thread and get everyone’s thoughts on what these ‘qualities’ or attributes, or whatever that makes some guys well more successful than 80% of other guys.

  6. I liked this article, I don’t personally pay for girls drinks unless they’re willing to go in rounds as we all work and drinks aren’t cheap.
    I think the best thing to do is be confident, be yourself and most importantly talk to a girl like you would anyone else… normally. If you two get on then it’s more than likely that she’ll hint about seeing you again or going back to yours.
    I liked this article though well written 🙂

  7. I go to the club a lot but found very hard to find a girl though i managed a few times but i want to make the chances better that’s the reason I came to this blog thanks for the tips I will try them out…

  8. Hey Guys, think back to the woman (or two if you are lucky) that you ended up falling in love with and having a relationship of growth with. You didn’t meet her at a bar, did you? Women tring to meet men at bar are there just for a good time.
    It’s not worth going through their princess checklist of “rules you must live by if you want to pick me up”.
    That there are now upteen “rules” for men for picking up women at bars says that American women are not doing their part. Two people make love. This article speaks to the passivity of American girls. Do you really want a girl who is so passive and hypocritical about wanting physical touch?
    I would like to take these American women who have all these rules as to how a guy needs to approach her at a bar, and seat her in the Tijuana brothel called Adelitas. You will see women approaching men, being flirtacious, warm, open, listening to guys, etc. This is a more active power that women have. It’s like learning how to fly. Most American women never bother learning how to fly.

  9. I had no idea that it is a good idea to get your drink while you are sitting with her. I can see why this would show her that there is nothing wrong with the drink. It seems like it would be nice to have a friend at the bar with you to help you out if you are having a rough time. I’ll definitely have to remember this the next time I go out.

  10. Mickey – So we meet again! The Sean Russell’s of the world,as well as a LOT of women, have a REAL stake in making sure that men do the approaching and live up to the “entitlement” train, which has been coming to a halt. You must watch what you say and how you say it, because they will then say that you are “angry”, “bitter” and/or against women. There is now a legion of well -adjusted, mature, healthy, “good” men who would NEVER approach a women, but routinely just wait to be approached by women, so that NO ONE will EVER say that they victimized,stalked, frightened or accosted ANY of them. Just be careful how in how you explain it.

    • Leonard: It doesn’t matter what a guy does or says. No matter what, in the minds of most women, guys just can’t do anything right. So there’s just no point in trying to win their impossible favor, is there???

  11. Well Hi Jane and all others here,
    According to my analysis from an indian perspective,i guess the PUA methods fail mostly.The best way to pick girls who with mutual respect are one of the best creation in the world is by just being simple,innate and sharp.The best of the wits or humour while trying to impress a girl is not a scientific matter.Its a matter of ones attitude,humour and ambiance we create in getting along the conversations.
    No girls like the desperates and no girls like the arrogant.The borderline is simplicity and capturing her attention with a pleasant conversation and a genuine spot created humour.When speaking about humour I know that all cant be so.If that’s the case,just be yourself and avoid being a snob while conversing with a potential girl in the pub.There is no harm touching her with due respect while conversing to make her feel comfortable and avoid the obstacles of seeing you as one stranger trying to get into her pants.
    So to conclude note the below points
    *Matured Humour
    *Pleasant touch and gestures
    *sweet way of inviting avoiding disrespect to her
    Good luck and happy dating…loved your article Jane…maybe someday we should hook up 😉

  12. Lol, absolutely none of this has anything to do with “approaching a girl at a bar”. It assumes you’ve already started talking or you know each other already. Kind of a misleading title

  13. Don’t approach women – why would you want one around? Don’t go to bars – they are for losers. Don’t talk to or date women – it’s high cost and low benefit. Girls like the one in the picture are sluts and you don’t want to marry one.

  14. Don’t go to bars.
    Don’t approach women. Anywhere.
    Don’t date.
    Don’t allow a woman into your life.
    Do take care of yourself.
    Do live for yourself.
    Do protect your time, your money, and your self esteem. A woman will destroy all of these if you let her.
    Don’t let her.

    • You are completely wrong William behind every great man is an even better woman and I have seen that with my own eyes. That companionship with the one you love helps you strive to do the best for you. Helps you take care of yourself, protect your time, your money and build your self esteem. You are so wrong it is sad. Unless you are gay?


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