Perhaps the biggest complaint of married men (and the biggest fear of engaged men) is that their wives are not interested in sex. This leads to the idea that, consequently, marriage is a lust-less, libido-less, children-filled road to one’s eventual demise. It’s just not true guys.
As stated in previous articles, research shows that married couples actually have more sex and better quality sex than single people. However, along with marriage does come the occasional dip in sexy time.
You see each other at all hours, you’re sharing financial and emotional ups and downs, what do you expect? Instead of dreading and complaining, look at your wife’s supposed “lack of interest” in sex as an opportunity to grow in your marriage.
Here are the top 5 reasons your wife may not be interested in sex and what you can do about it:
1) She thinks YOU’RE tired/not up for it
No, pigs are not flying right now. I really just said this. And it’s true. Men seem to belabor the notion that women rarely initiate sex because they aren’t in the mood. Well, sometimes we aren’t; BUT this can go both ways.
When you come home, toss your tie away, gripe about traffic, snap at the dog for getting in the way and clam up, we get under the impression that YOU are tired and not in the mood. OF COURSE, we aren’t going to try to initiate it. Deep down we know you are probably always up for it, but we don’t want to be disrespectful by taking you away from that stack of work you have on your desk. Your time and energy are important to us and we don’t want to get you riled up if it means your job or sleep schedule will suffer.
The FIX: I’m not saying you can’t vent about your work but give her some signals to let her know that while you’re probably exhausted you wouldn’t mind some romantic roughhousing. Tell her that you missed her, or give her a sensual hug. When she gets a subtle green light then she’ll know that means you’re in the mood.
2) She’s insecure
Women’s bodies fluctuate. That’s just the way it is. One week we’ve never been skinnier and the next week we’ve gained ten pounds. This unwelcome spontaneity tends to make us self-conscious. We want nothing more than to jump you and satisfy both of us, but if we don’t feel that we look our best we will be apprehensive about showing off our goods.
The FIX: Whenever you run into her coming out of the shower, make a nice comment, or just stare at her with a come hither look. Act like it’s making you miserable not to touch her. Regardless of how she feels she looks, this move will go a long way in showing her how YOU think she looks.
3) She’s depressed/anxious/sad
Emotions are a tricky thing for women AND men. When you’re single you can go out, grab a drink and make out to hide those feelings of sadness or worry. However, when you’re in a committed relationship it’s a bit harder to just go with the flow. Sex takes on a bigger meaning; it’s emotional. And when you are already dealing with emotions, sometimes the last thing you want to deal with is intimacy.
A lot of wives are nervous to talk about these types of feelings for fear of having their spouse worry about them. This leads to a lack of communication, which then leads to a lack of sexual interest.
The FIX: Ask her questions and listen to, not only her answers but also the way she answers. If she’s saying, “I feel” before several statements make sure you pay attention. Let her know that her emotional health and confidence is more important than sex. Once you establish that you’re genuinely concerned, she’ll be comfortable in her effort to rebalance emotionally.
(Side note: If your wife is exhibiting real signs of depression, encourage her to speak to someone. Sometimes talking to a stranger can be easier than talking to someone you love.)
4) She isn’t enjoying it
Don’t freak out; I know a lot of new couples that have gone through this. Medications, childbirth, trauma, etc. can all wreak havoc on a gal’s libido and they don’t necessarily have fun in the bedroom anymore. This isn’t a huge deal; couples get through this all the time and you can verify this by checking EVERY marriage forum on the Internet.
The problem only occurs when women feel as if saying something negative about your “performance” will make you will feel hurt. So they keep it quiet and it manifests in a lot of “I’m too tired” or “I’ve got to wake up early”.
The FIX: This can be avoided by staying in tune with your mate, AND being open and honest with each other about what you want. Most people, both men, and women have secret sex fantasies that they don’t want to share with their partners. Not being open about your sexual fantasies was pointed out by Loveplugs as one of the reasons for boring sex life. Explore and experiment, that is (or should be) the beauty of marriage; you can go crazy!
Some great articles to improve your sexual performance:
5) She doesn’t like being vulnerable
Good sex is about vulnerability. However, some women are simply apprehensive about losing themselves during sex (women have been known to laugh, cry or instantly fall asleep after orgasm).
If a woman doesn’t feel comfortable being vulnerable in that way, she’ll eventually start dodging sex due to fear. This results in a lot of falsities in the bedroom (including the dreaded faked orgasm) and lifeless stiffness. They are reluctant to let sex overtake them, which results in subpar sex life.
The FIX: Make sure she knows you respect her in the bedroom and make yourself a person she trusts. This should be established prior to “I love you” and wedding bands, but don’t worry if you didn’t sort that out; there’s nothing but time. Be vulnerable to her and she’ll reciprocate.
And Lastly [Bonus]
And for the best dating app for keeping sex in your long-term relationship hot (seriously), check out 101 Nights by Laura Corn. It’s amazing.
Society has a problem with looking at married sex in a positive light and it’s time to throw that notion in the trash. Sex can be a really wonderful thing in a committed relationship. It can be stress-relieving, comforting, adventurous, and incredibly healthy for you. It’s also a keen way to discover more about your partner.
You have the chance to know someone in the most intimate way possible, take care of that responsibility and your wife will take care of you (if you know what I mean).
1) Web MD – Why Women Lose Interest in Sex
2) Support Forum – Advice for a Man Who’s Wife is no Longer Interested in Sex
3) Your Tango Video – Why is My Wife Not Interested in Sex & What Can I Do? (Great Advice – Watch Below)
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