9 Ways to Stop Being Too Nice (Without Being an Asshole)

After coaching dudes to recover from Nice Guy Syndrome for nearly a decade now, I’ve learned that it is a hard path full of fear, confusion and unpleasant experiences.

Many guys are afraid that if they stop being “nice” they’ll turn into some sort of monster, the kind of jerk they’ve always hated. Most Nice Guys still want to be nice, it’s just that they understand that they’re somehow too nice and something needs to change.

To help you make the transition from too nice into confidently authentic (and still decent), I’ve created a list of baby steps. Each of these will add more balls and masculinity to your personality, without turning you into a jerk or even reducing how nice you are.

Ironically, you’ll help more people and be of greater value when you stop being “too nice” and start becoming a bold, honest and masculine social leader.

Anyway, you probably skipped the intro as most people do with “listicles”, so let’s jump straight into the practical steps!

1: Only help if you’re asked directly

Helping without being asked – which includes giving unsolicited advice – is a classic example of being too nice. You’re treating people like they’re too weak and fragile to handle life without you, and you’re manipulating them into thinking of you as valuable.

To become more confident, you’ve got to let people live their lives without your interference. This is called respect.

From now on, stop offering help or insisting that people let you help them. Stop giving advice that hasn’t been asked for just because someone is talking about their issues.

Wait until you are asked directly for your assistance. Give people the benefit of the doubt that they know when to ask (and even if they don’t, you’ll be helping them to learn by not disabling them with your offers).

And even when they do ask directly, tread carefully. Are you the best qualified person to help them? Is this really something they can’t do on their own? What’s the least you can do?

The best way to help someone is to encourage them to solve their own problems as much as they can without needing others. You don’t get the glory and approval, but you’re actually improving their life rather than just getting something for yourself.

2: Show everything you feel, not just the pleasant stuff

Nice Guys generally only reveal a low range of emotion: happiness, apathy, calmness… and that’s about it!

There’s nothing bad about having the full range of human emotions. Just because you have a habit of shamefully suppressing them doesn’t mean they don’t exist.

You do get angry. And sad. And depressed. And anxious. And stressed. And confused. Like all other humans.

Revealing that you feel these things doesn’t make you a jerk. If people react badly to you having these emotions, then you’re hanging out with the wrong people.

You don’t need to download your problems onto people as if they’re your therapist. Just be more honest. You can say, “I’m angry about that” and “I don’t agree with this” without them needing to do anything about it.

Practice just saying it calmly and matter-of-fact, and reassure people that they don’t need to respond.

3: Disagree respectfully

Nice Guys tend to be too agreeable, meaning that they often agree when they don’t really mean it. This is a tactic to make them more likable, which often backfires because people hate spinelessness and ass-kissing.

Being disagreeable doesn’t make you a bad person. I’m willing to bet that the men you admire are all confrontational and disagreeable when it’s required; guys like Joe Rogan, Jordan Peterson and David Goggins.

But disagreeing doesn’t have to be a battle. You don’t have to win!

Respectfully disagreeing just means stating a contrary view. There’s no need to convince anyone else that you’re right or that they’re wrong.

You can simply say, “I can see why you believe that, however I see it a different way so I believe the opposite.”

Never agree if you don’t mean it. At the very least, if you can’t be confrontational then just stay still and silent and disagree quietly.

P.S. This includes not laughing at things that aren’t funny!

4: Show attraction and interest directly

Nice Guys are notorious for hiding how they truly feel about other people, especially feelings of romantic or sexual attraction. This is because they are ashamed of their masculinity and terrified of rejection.

Telling someone you like them isn’t bad! You love it when it’s the other way around, right? So you should be giving this gift too.

You don’t need to whistle and leer like a cowardly tradesman harassing the girls who walk past the building site. You can be both direct and gentlemanly in the way you show interest.

Just be straight and honest, keep it concise, and don’t ask for anything in return.

“I have to say, you’re the most gorgeous girl I’ve seen in a long time. Thanks for lighting up my day!”

And show interest in non-sexual ways as well. Tell your friends what you like about them; compliment your co-workers on their skills; thank your dance partner for their connection.

Set yourself a goal: make sure no one has to guess how you feel about them.

5: Take care of your own needs first

Nice Guys tend to believe that self-sacrifice is noble. This is a lie they tell themselves to hide the fact that they want to be seen as martyrs and heroes. They feel ashamed for prioritizing their own needs.

But only unhealthy and toxic people want you to sacrifice yourself for them. Healthy and confident people only feel guilty when you put them ahead of yourself.

Stop doing it!

Before you bend over backwards and inconvenience yourself to aide others, first run through a quick self-care checklist:

• Have you set yourself up for the day regarding nutrition and exercise?
• Are you getting enough sleep?
• Have you done your most important tasks for the day?
• Have you done your daily self-development tasks?
• Are the people most important to you – e.g your wife and children – being taken care of adequately?

If the answer is No to any of these questions, then everyone else will have to queue up and wait for your support because you are not available!

If they’re good people, they’ll understand.

6: Be assertive without being aggressive

You can stand up for yourself without harming others. Being assertive simply means not taking shit; being aggressive means giving other people shit. They are not the same thing.

Stop using the unwillingness to be aggressive as an excuse to not be assertive. You are not noble for being unassertive, you’re just being a pussy.

Being assertive means pushing back on things that you dislike or things that harm you (and people you care about). You’re not asking other people to change who they are, you’re just demanding that they stop specific harmful behaviors.

If your boss asks you to do something that’s not in your work contract, it’s not unkind for you to say no. If your partner is nagging you, you’re not a jerk for asking her to stop. If your friend is trying to steal the girl you started chatting to, it doesn’t make you an asshole to take him aside and tell him to be a wingman rather than a cockblock.

And if someone consistently doesn’t respect your assertiveness – and you’re sure you weren’t being aggressive (i.e. trying to control them) – then get them out of your life.

7: Set boundaries in all relationships

Nice Guys love to set up covert contracts. They prefer that boundaries in relationships are just assumed and guessed rather than spoken about directly.

This inevitably leads to resentment, misunderstandings, and eventual breakdowns and breakups.

Once you’ve established an official friendship or relationship with someone, pick up your courage and sit them down for a talk about boundaries.

Tell them what you consider to be respectful and disrespectful behavior. Let them know what you’ll tolerate and what is a deal-breaker. Share your preferences and ask them to do the same.

One slightly uncomfortable conversation early on will save you infinite pain and wasted time later.

8: Stay true and make no promises

Nice Guys like to control how people feel by making promises. They use their word as a soothing medicinal tool to keep people feeling happy around them.

Set yourself a challenge: no words, just actions. Model your values rather than talk about them.

Rather than telling people you’re a good person, be one. Rather than promising to do something, just do it or don’t do it.

No more, “I’ll get to that later” or “I’ll never hurt you” or “I’ll probably be able to come to the party”.

If anyone asks you to make a promise, you just say, “I can’t control the future, we’ll have to wait and see”.

There’s nothing nasty about living by your values instead of virtue-signalling!

9: Walk away from people you dislike

If you’re a Nice Guy then you probably attract a lot of unhealthy people.

From other people-pleasers through to outright narcissists, and everything in-between, my coaching clients are nearly always surrounded with a less-than-ideal social circle when I first meet them (we quickly change that!).

This doesn’t mean you need to ditch everyone, but you do need to raise your standards.

Sit down and carefully think about the best people to have in your life, rather than just anyone who will show interest in you. If you weren’t so scared of being unloved, what standards would you have?

What kind of personality should your ideal partner have? How do you wish your best friends treated you? What level of respect should you expect from your family?

Create a list of possible criteria for someone to be considered a good fit and healthy to be with. I don’t mean superficial things like money, looks, skills, or even hobbies. I mean things like shared values, respectful treatment, and mutual effort into the relationship.

Anyone who doesn’t meet the standards gets confronted about raising their game. If they refuse to raise their game, you cut ties and find someone else who will.

Trust me, it’s better to be single and lonely than to be surrounded by bad-fit connections. At least being alone means you have a blank slate and no obligations. You’re free to choose!

How to Stop Being Too Nice – Conclusion

Recovery from Nice Guy Syndrome is a slow, incremental process that takes many years, and some elements last a lifetime.

Even after all these years, I still have to take care to avoid helping people without permission, and I must push myself to put my needs first. Some habits die hard.

But none of the points I’ve made above describe a bad person! These are all healthy, masculine, confident traits that other healthy people will be happy to see.

Ironically, people will like you more for being confident than they will for being nice, and the best bit is you can still be nice! Just not with all the people-pleasing crap, which is just manipulation anyway so it’s not even all that nice.