Podcast 015: How to Find Happiness And Purpose in Your Life

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Menprovement Podcast 

Ready to take your life to the next level? Then you’re in the right place. Get all the information you need to improve everything and live life like a pro. This is the Menprove podcast with Sean Russell.

Sean 

Welcome back, guys, to the Menprovement podcast brought to you by Menprovement.com, the number one self-improvement site strictly for men. Head there after the show and get our free eBook on how to triple your testosterone naturally. I’m your host, Sean Russell, a self-improvement enthusiast who is obsessed with taking his life to the next level. And I created this podcast to help myself and guys like you do just that. Today’s show is part one of an unplanned two-part series that is aimed at helping the modern man, who doesn’t really know what he wants to do with his life or what his true purpose is, figure it out and then go out and do it. I know that a lot of people that listen to this show and any other success podcasts are working jobs that they feel unfulfilled in, and I know what it feels like; I worked for two years as a mechanical engineer. And I absolutely hated it. I did it for the money. It wasn’t who I was; it wasn’t my passion. And I felt empty inside. I felt stressed out. And I didn’t know where I was going. So, I’m really passionate about this topic and helping guys figure out what they want to do with their lives. So, then they can go ahead and do it. Because if you don’t know what you want to do, doing it is even harder. I want you to feel excited every night before you go to bed about waking up tomorrow morning and creating your legacy. It’s one of the most amazing feelings. And I think everyone can and deserves to achieve that. So, in part one here today, I talk with Michael Anderson, who is a speaker and coach who teaches people how to achieve joy and how to become happier in their lives. And I talked with him about how to break out and figure out what you want to do with your life. And then next week, on Sunday, I talked with Mike Malar, who’s a badass motherfucker. And he totally just goes ham on conventional wisdom and self-help wisdom and pretty much gives the listener a kick in the ass on what they need to do to make their purpose happen. Because it’s great. If you figure out what you want to do, that’s great. But then you need to be realistic about how you are going to do it. And you need to know how to do it. So, this show today will hopefully give you a better idea of how to figure out what you want to do. And then make sure you stay tuned till next week, or if you’re listening to this late, listen to the next episode to figure out how to do it, how to be realistic, and what to expect along the way. So, with that, we’ll jump into this first episode, which is all about how to figure out what you want to do with your life. How to find inner joy, stop chasing exterior happiness, which never really fulfills you, and much more with our Michael Anderson. Hey guys, I’m here with Michael Anderson of executivejoy.com. He’s an author, coach, and speaker. How are you, Michael? Thanks so much for coming on the show.

How did you get to where you are today?

Michael Anderson 

Real good show. Hey, thanks. for having me.

Sean 

Absolutely. When I heard an interview with you the other day, I immediately thought that I had to get you on because what you talk about is what we’re going to cover in the show, and I know so many people are going through it right now. But before we get into all the Q&A, why don’t you talk about your backstory and how you got to where you are today?

Michael Anderson 

Sure. So, I’ve got an exciting backstory; you know, it’s hard to tell on the radio, but you know, I’m six foot nine. So, I’ve always had, you know, I played semi-pro basketball; I say I was always good at the scoreboard of life. You know, I played semi-pro ball. I’ve lived in six countries, and I founded three international software companies. I used to party at the Playboy Mansion. So yeah, it was that you had been up there a couple of times, and all of those, like material successes, didn’t leave me with any internal joy and fulfillment. And I really looked at my life. And although I’ve created some great things, I just didn’t have that happiness. And I had a low point that had to do with a nasty business lawsuit that divorced drugs and alcohol and really caused me to reflect, and I earned a world-famous master’s degree in spiritual psychology, which changed my life so much. And I saw all my other competitively driven athletic, entrepreneurial, and executive friends going through the same thing, so I decided to divest myself of the software companies and become a full-time professional speaker and author facilitator who helps other people go through the same life-changing transformations that I went through.

Sean 

That’s incredible. So, you’re telling me the Playboy Mansion didn’t bring you inner fulfillment.

Michael Anderson 

for very short periods of time? Or is it time? Yes,

Sean 

Yeah, I’d say it’s an incredible story—the roller coaster that you went through. And the reason I connected with this so much is that I went through a big hardship in my life for about four years when I was struggling with an anxiety disorder and some chronic fatigue. So, overcoming that was a big reason why I do what I do today. So, I was just wondering if you think that, you know, if you’d never hit that low point in your life, would you have been the guy you are today?

Michael Anderson 

You know, I don’t think I actually know. and that’s one of the things we work on. And when we can become really in tune with ourselves, which is something people call conscious, if I can have gratitude for where I am, because, as you said, Sean, without that, I wouldn’t have made such a right 90-degree turn in my life, you know, without those, quote, unquote, wake-up calls, I would have never taken the strong steps to invest my time and money into such an enormous program. Unless I came to that low of a point,

Sean 

Absolutely. One of my favorite quotes is that extraordinary hardship often prepares ordinary people for extraordinary destinies. And I’ve just, you know, a question I asked myself a lot is, How can people kind of get this mindset? The mindset that a lot of people who go through struggles, and they break out, and I think there’s actually a term for post-traumatic growth in an extreme sense, where I’ve heard some TED talks with people who have had post-concussion syndrome, who afterward after healing, after three years, they come out and they’re just like, They have this thirst for life, and they just do incredible things. How do you think people can gain that mindset without ever having to, you know, go through the sh*t per se?

Michael Anderson 

Well, a couple of things come to mind when you say that, Sean, because of a guy named Martin Seligman, who was the founder of what they call positive psychology. In his book, flourish He talks about how he studied a bunch of soldiers, and yes, a certain percentage get post-traumatic stress disorder. And there are a lot of factors that go into how much they were in combat and how much of this happened in their lives before that, but a lot more of them that make it out healthy actually have more resilience. So, they’re actually strengthening the resilience muscle through these traumatic events.

The Hero’s Journey

And so exactly what you’re talking about, we learn, you know, we are. I talked about the hero’s journey, where, you know, when you look at, I know, it’s a funny comparison. But when you look at all the heroes out there, you know, they’ve all gone through their hardships. So, no, we all have tough lives. And Sean, I love the fact that you talk about your anxiety and your chronic fatigue syndrome because, for me, I always thought I was messed up, I was broken, and everybody else was perfect. And I realized that everybody else is just so good at showing this perfect life that we all have these issues. So, it’s great that you and other people were vulnerable. And we are authentic because we’re spreading our message. Because once I got to know some other entrepreneurs, I realized that not everybody’s happy, not everybody’s living this dream life that other people, you know, are using drugs, are having depression, etc. So, we are all humans; we just haven’t been able to put on a good face around that.

Sean 

Absolutely. And that is something I tell people all the time: that, you know, everyone’s got skeletons in their closet, no matter how perfect they may see it; everyone’s going through something or has gone through something. And I haven’t talked about my story much; I was actually planning on, you know, telling the whole story when I do an interview on knowledge for men in December, which was what you were on because I’ve kind of been caught up in everything and building a business. But it’s definitely something that I want to do because so many people have done it. I mean, a big person I look up to was like Lewis Howes, and he came out and told the story of how, you know, he was molested as a child and everything and being vulnerable. As you said, it helps people who are going through similar things realize that you know, they’re not alone out there. So, I love your story. And what I really wanted to ask you and talk about was that I have a lot of personal friends and a lot of people who contact me who are working like a nine-to-five job in the city, but you know, it ends up being like a nine-to-eight job, and they’re tired all the time. And they’re just, you know, feeling kind of almost lied to after going to school and everything. And now they’re here, and they’re like, What did I do all this for? I’m totally unfulfilled. And I was in the same position as an engineer for two years. And I’m lucky that I found this stuff that I’m just so passionate about. But what do you suggest to people who just don’t know what they want to do with their lives but are stuck in a job that they just hate?

Michael Anderson 

So, I have a couple of good things for you. So, the first thing is, and I actually do an exercise when I go into, for example, management teams, I do a lot of facilitation, and we do a thing called Inspire X buyer flow. And it’s me and my buddy, Ron Harrell, another great guy, and a business leader. I’m in San Diego. He’s another prominent business leader in San Diego. We’ve developed; he helped me develop this, and again, what positive psychology Martin Seligman found out is that happy people play to their strengths. I mean, it used to be that you found out what your weaknesses were. And then you work like hell on your weaknesses. So, they’re not a weakness anymore. No, that stinks. If I don’t like doing math, don’t have me do it. Right. All right, so and so, there’s an exercise called inspiring expire flow. This is in my book; we’re talking about my book at the end. But if you want more info, this is an exercise in my book. And basically, you just go through and write it down. What inspires you? You know, where do you get enjoyment out of your life? What expires? you, and then what are you doing in the flow? And Sean, do you know what I mean by flow? Yeah, absolutely. Do. You really want to give a quick, quick definition? Yeah, go ahead. So, flow is, you know, sports. People are the best people when we talk about flow. You know, when Michael Jordan or LeBron James score 60 in a playoff game, they’re in the flow. It’s like when you’re doing what you were meant to do. You know, I used to be a programmer, and sometimes I’d be in this programming flow. And I would just feel like I was in this bliss. When you sit down to do something, you think it’s been half an hour. And next thing, you know, four hours went by, so yeah, so it’s like this natural state where you’re so present, you just feel everything. It’s like time slows down, yet it speeds by. And a lot of salespeople, when they’re in a sales position, are in the flow. So, do you want to reflect on your life? What do you love doing? What do you hate doing, and where are you in the flow? Now, if we start with the flow, that’s where you’re normally adding the best value in the world. And you may not know your flow yet, but a lot of us do. As a result, some introspection is required. And then you want to really take a good look at your expired list, and you want to get everything you can off your expired list. And even if you can’t get it off, now you want to make changes to get it off. And then you will find your inspiration list. And you want to find out how you can spend more time doing what you love to do. And it sounds so basic, but it can be so life-changing. Yeah, no,

The importance of having a flow

Sean 

I know what you mean by flow, because, yeah, I was a semi-pro soccer player. And I lost my flow state as soon as I stopped playing. And that’s the problem with a lot of my friends who were athletes with me, and now they don’t play anymore. And they’re kind of just almost empty inside. It’s a big problem that is not really covered, especially with college athletes. And like, that’s why you see those guys who leave the NFL. And there’s, you know, they’re committing suicide because they don’t have much going on in their lives anymore. It’s scary. And I went through that hard time. What I wanted to ask you was, if you don’t know, if you don’t have a flow, like I found my flow again, I could work on Menprovement.com for four or five hours straight, you know, and I, as much as I hate being on the computer, am an athletic guy. It’s the one thing I can do on the computer. What would you recommend to someone who’s lost their flow and doesn’t have the ability to become a professional athlete anymore? If that was their flow?

Michael Anderson 

Well, they must spend more time doing what they enjoy. And they must be honest with themselves about what they’ve been doing. You know, I have this one, this guy who came to me for some coaching, and he ran a pretty big digital marketing agency. So, it’s like an internet marketing agency. And so I got talking to him, and he loves me in front of customers. He loves that customer interaction. He hates HR, and he hates being the boss. He hates that kind of leadership—sort of administrative leadership. He understands the product, he understands strategy, and he understands customers. And I said, well, so what’s your role there? So, on the president-CEO, I go, Well, hire another president and get your ass in front of customers. And that’s where you make money. That’s where you shine. That’s where you provide value. But he had this belief that, hey, if I’m the founder, I have to be the president. Well, you know, you can do that and be miserable your whole life and probably cap out where you’re capping out revenue-wise, or you can let go of your ego a little bit, hire somebody to do all the administrative crap, oops, and then and then and then go with it from there. And that’s what he started to do. But it’s because he had this belief. So oftentimes, we have these beliefs. You know, some people love programming, and they should not be managers, but they think they have to be managers or whatever it is. You know, just embrace what you do awesomely and do that in the world and provide enough value, and value will come back.

How to create a list of your ideal people

Sean 

Yeah, man, that’s very similar to what I learned from Lewis Howe’s podcast, The School of Greatness, where he tells people who don’t know what they really Want to do with their lives or lack purpose in their lives to imagine their perfect day and sit down every day and write down their perfect day until they really have a vision of the ideal person they want to be from hour to hour, how it feels, who they’re with, what their job title is, whether they sold their company, and what they’re doing. And then just get it all down on paper. And so, you have this really clear vision of who you want to be. And then set your goal for who you want to be, write it down on your wall, sign it, and then you know who you want to be. And you can start taking steps towards becoming that person. So, it’s very similar to yours. And I’m just curious because you talked about the inspiration and expiration lists in your exercise. And the Inspire list is what inspires you, gets you going, and gets you flowing and excited to get up. But what goes on your buyer’s list?

Michael Anderson 

Inspire X buyer, so you really, really want to be honest with X buyer about what you don’t look forward to doing. You know, when I get together with a bunch of managers, we’ll all do this, like a management team. And it’s funny because somebody will always be like, I love dealing with problem clients like everybody else, but I hate dealing with problem clients. And so on, but they’re the ones dealing with them. And the one person is like Man, I love it. Because I get to solve these complex problems. It’s like this problem-solving thing. And then we simply shift all the stuff; all the problem clients are on one person’s desk; they’re happy; everybody else is happy. And all that happened was some honest communication. And so just when you go through and make your list, be really honest with yourself. You may try, you know, actually asking to see if you have a boss or whatever. Tell him what you like to do and what you don’t like to do. Because a lot of good bosses are open to that. But so many people are like, Oh, well, I could never ask my boss that. Well, why don’t you ask him that and step out of your comfort zone? And just ask the question.

Sean 

Absolutely. And, you know, if you’re in, I think it goes the same way if you’re in a job. And that entire job is on your expired list, which I think was my case. I don’t know how I ended up being an engineer. You know, I just went to school. I went to school to party and play soccer. And then I ended up with an engineering degree. Soccer ended, and I was stuck in this office. And I’m like, Wow, what am I doing here? But I wasn’t; you know, I never thought ahead. But that’s my past. And that’s why I’m so motivated to do what I want to do now. But you mentioned, yeah, what I wanted to say on that point was that if your whole job is on expiration,  would you probably recommend leaving, you know if your job is just not making you happy? Then leave it.

Michael Anderson 

Just I would, or is there somewhere, like, for example, if you’re an engineer, but you’re like, like, you, Sean, your people guy, there’s actually, when you really look at it, you really want to make money and add value to the world when people are good at two things? So, for example, if you sell engineering software, products, or whatever, you’re taking your personal ability and some of your background with you, which is rare because if you’re just an accountant, you’ll never make a lot of money. If you’re just an engineer, you’ll probably never make a lot of money unless you’re the absolute top one, or, you know, the top five in the United States. Yeah, absolutely. It’s when you mix two disciplines, even if you know engineering accounting, that you’re going to see that’s where you really can add value and make money. When you can bridge the two gaps when you know marketing and sports, you know, the sports field, that’s where you’re going to add value and make money. And that’s where you can apply, you know, what may be natural and your personality to what maybe your background is or your history has been. And what you said, Sean, you know, I really believe people should make more changes in this world. You know, we get so caught up in the status quo, and our egos get caught up in just doing what we’ve been doing. And, and, and so many people and I, and, and well, we can look at this from a couple different angles. One is that you’ve got to take ownership of your life; I do a session called Owner Victim.” And we can either sit there and make honest complaints about our jobs, or we can make changes to get ourselves into a new position. And I can think of a lot of reasons why I’d want to wait until next month, three months from now, or whatever. And you’re welcome to just stay and complain, or you’re welcome to suck it up and make some changes in your life.

How to achieve internal fulfillment vs external fulfillment

Sean 

Yeah, absolutely. I absolutely love that. And that you just said that. It’s great advice. I was just listening to someone speak today on that. You know, if you want to make a change in your life and you’re not happy, then you should have a full-time job and a part-time job. That’s, you know, trying to build your passion when you’re home and your part-time job doesn’t include watching TV, and it doesn’t, you know, doing all this stuff and complaining like you said, you know, you have to go out to make it happen, and it can actually take, you know, one to three years, but you have to start it today.

Michael Anderson 

You do what you do and just have that spark, and even if you do it for free, you know it’s because, to me, as long as you enjoy doing something, don’t worry about how much it costs. As you said, if you get this part-time job, even if you love doing it or you want to get into a field, just do it for free, because I’ve always believed if you’re really into something, you’re good at it, and you’re providing value, the universe is going to find a way to pay you back. And you may not know how that’s going to be, but it takes a little bit of faith to do that. And if you really let go of the beliefs that may be holding you back, do it. I think that’s when great things happen.

Sean 

Absolutely. When you were talking in the beginning, you were talking about how you had all these incredible things in your life. But you were unfulfilled. And I want to talk about how a lot of people seem to think that the next job is going to make them happy, or the next, you know, upgrade they can have to their apartment, or their car can make them happy. And the farther they get, the more you know that they never reach that happiness.

Michael Anderson 

So yeah, yeah,

Sean 

That’s how I love. There’s this idea, this concept; I’m sure you’ve heard of it. A little bit. Yeah, yeah. Like, you know, instead of, say, you just lost your girlfriend and you’re miserable because you’re single, instead of being miserable and thinking, You know, all I need to do is get a girlfriend, and then I’ll be happy, In reality, you need to figure out how to be happy now. And that will end up helping you get a girlfriend a lot faster. And I think a lot of people have lost touch with that concept. And I love it. So, what do you think is the key to achieving internal fulfillment versus chasing external fulfillment?

Michael Anderson 

Sure, and let’s dig into that from a psychological point of view. Because, you know, I’m a psychology guy. And I also like dealing with like studies; it’s cool to hear all these like new age, people say, h HeyI think this is going, this is going, it sounds good. But I like when there are studies behind things. And what they found out is that when something external happens, you know, whether you get a date with that hot chick, or you lose that job, or whatever, you get that card, the most external circumstance will ever affect your happiness, positive or negative, is three months. Now, there’s the only exception is a family tragedy. So outside of family, tragedy, and external, whether it’s money, job, work, women, you know, whatever it is, it’s three months, and normally, it’s hours or days at the most. And even if you win the lottery, the most that’ll affect your happiness is for three months, and then you go back to your baseline. And what personal transformation is, and I love this, is to be guided by internal fulfillment rather than external fulfillment. And I give an example of that, and I say it’s the difference between happiness and joy, and I use them interchangeably. But to me, happiness is that external circumstance, because, you know, shot, if I went to the Playboy Mansion tonight, I would have fun, and that’s okay; that’s okay to get those little dopamine bursts and have that fun, or driving my buddy’s Lamborghini or something. Yes, that’s fun. And it’s okay to have that happiness.

How to reconnect to your joy

But if somebody gave me a million dollars, I would be happy. I’d be happy for a little while. But then I go to my baseline. But if I built a business from scratch and the business that I was really proud of gave me a million dollars in revenue over a certain period of time or profit from my bottom to my pocket, I would have joy, and the joy would come from looking at what I created and what I’ve done, and that joy can last with you forever. And that’s what we call reconnecting with your joy. Because I can be as proud of that company in 20 years as I am now. Just like you said, it’s like, How can I connect to that joy when I need it, when I need that upliftment, to really give me that confidence and maybe get rid of some anxiety? As it is? Yeah. So. And when we talk about doing things, you know, we really want to connect with how we’re helping others. Because at our core, we all like to help others. So, when we can frame our job or whatever we’re doing, because I’m sure, Sean, you like doing this stuff, But I think it really gives you a sense of achievement and accomplishment when you get that feedback—that one email from that one guy that says, You know, when I quit my job and got my awesome job, this new job is because of you because of men proven? Yeah, that’s what we’re doing, right?

Sean 

I have a whole inbox section. And I save them, you know? because I love to read them.

Michael Anderson 

Yeah. And so, when we talk about being happy now, it’s like, What can we look at? Where can we reconnect to where we’re at now? You know, if you know, in my divorce, I went through doors, and, you know, nobody sets out to go through a divorce. But I would have never really learned what I needed to learn about myself to be in a happy relationship if not for that process. And so, in a way, that was part of my learning that I could have never gotten by reading a book, meditating, or doing any exercise. I had to go through that. So actually, I can say, You know what? I learned a hard lesson, but now I know it, and now I can do that. much more connected with the next woman I’m with. Yeah, absolutely,

Sean 

I love it. And I guess the next step would be to keep going on this, this linear line here. Say you figure out what you want to do with your life, you leave your job, you work for a year on the side, you end up being able to leave your job, you get into fulfillment, but now you know you’re like I had been for the past five months, and you’re working 12-hour days. And it’s tough to achieve a work-life balance. And that’s what your book is, essentially, about. So, personally, I would love to hear tips on achieving a better work-life balance.

Michael Anderson 

Well, Sean, you know, the definition of work-life balance isn’t that I’m only working eight to 10 hours every day. It’s not, and it’s not measured by day. And you know, you’ve made a decision to bootstrap a business, my friend, and so you are going to be working your butt off. So, if there’s anything I would keep in context, and it’s a set some, if I were you, because you know, you’re doing something incredibly difficult, and you’re doing something incredibly world-changing. And that, in this case, takes some sacrifice, and I hate to use the word sacrifice, but in a way, that’s what you’re doing. Because you’re creating from such a place of raw resources, it’s not like you’ve got a million dollars invested; it’s not like, you know, you took over somebody else’s. So sometimes periods of creation occur; take that. And I think what’s important is, to be honest with ourselves. So, for example, if you’re married or in a relationship and, you know, something in work comes up or you’re going to have to work a lot, you have a conversation with your spouse or your girlfriend to say, Hey, these next three weeks, I need you to support me because I’m going to be working 10 to 12 hours a day. Don’t try to hide it from her, don’t try to be asked, and don’t try to BS yourself to say, Oh, just do it, and I’ll just leave after eight hours. And then, just the same as if you have a health issue or something going on—you know, your wife or your kid gets sick—you should go to work. And you should say, You know, hey, you know, I worked those 12-hour days, and we needed that proposal done. I’d like to leave after six hours for the next two weeks because my wife’s going through some stuff. So, I think we want to find balance in the grand scheme of things and be honest with ourselves about that. But to take that to the next step, Sean, I think it’s important, even no matter how much, for example, we’re working, to find some balance, and no matter how hard I work, every two hours, I’m going to take a walk around the block. And every other day, I’m going to get to the gym, and, you know, twice a week, I’m going to do yoga. And these are the things I make sure I do. Because I need that to stay sane. Through these tough parts.

How to achieve a work-life balance

Sean 

Yeah, I love it. And, um, yeah, I’ve definitely progressed a lot in the way I achieve work-life balance. I mean, when I first started this, I was bedridden, and I honestly couldn’t even leave the house. So that’s why I got started on the internet stuff because I was never an internet guy. And it was out of necessity. And I just fell in love with it. You know, I’m trying to help myself grow and cure myself. And then it just went, you know, way past that onto helping everyone else and just bettering myself as much as I could. But I was forced to Yeah, I could only work for a couple hours because I had to conserve energy and things like that. And now that I’ve got my energy back, you know, I It’s not met; nobody can be on the computer for, you know, more than 10 hours a day. I don’t care who you are because my eyes are so strange sometimes, but I’ve gotten pretty good. As you said, listen to your body, take breaks, take days off, you know, get enough sleep because I hear people like 50 Cent talk about, you know, sleep. I don’t have time for sleep. Well, you know, if I want to be successful, I’m not going to sleep. I think that’s total bullshit. Because I feel like taking your rest is one of the most important things, and I like how you said to talk to your spouse about it because I don’t have a wife or even a girlfriend right now. But if I did, she would probably hate me. Do you know? Yeah. So, I think it is important to talk to you, your wife, or your girlfriend before you even get started on a big financial business venture that’s going to take up most of your time.

Michael Anderson 

Even your friends, I mean, instead of a text saying, Hey, I’m busy for the next two weeks, I’ll catch up with events there, say, You know where Sean goes, you know, it’s just about your community just being honest. And it’s honesty with ourselves, and I think it’s really important for us to be disciplined and to set really clear boundaries with ourselves. You know, like,  I’m definitely going to go to the gym every other day. I’m definitely going to go to the gym every other day.

Sean 

Yeah, it’s good that you mentioned that because routine is definitely very helpful. You don’t make sure that I get you, you know, met. Let’s say I’m making sure that I’m off the computer, you know, two to three hours before bed. So, to calm down, these are things I couldn’t, you know, be as proactive as I am if I didn’t do them, so it’s great to mention in your book the experiment, and I, you know, I heard a little bit about what it’s about. And I love the concept; why don’t you talk about, you know, how you got the name, the experiment, and how it kind of changes the game when it comes to productivity and procrastination?

Michael Anderson 

I will, and what I might do real quick before that is have some unique content around why we procrastinate. So salutary. Yeah, let me jump into that quickly. And it’s really about stepping out of our comfort zone. Now. The reason we do this, and I always like to know the psychological reasons why we do things, You know, they’ve always wondered, Why do I want to sit on the couch? Why don’t I want to do my next blog post? Why don’t I want to, you know, take the steps to that next job? What keeps me here, and after doing some spiritual psychology in a book called Mindset by Carol Dweck, I know I know. And what it is is that when we’re four, five, or six years old, John, the only thing that we want in our lives is the love and adoration of our parents, our caregivers. You know, it doesn’t really matter what I’m planning; hang with what my toys are when I’m having to eat. If Mom and dad are paying attention to me, that’s all my life revolves around. And there’s a thing called conditional parenting, which really means that our parents want to do the best for us. But sometimes they haven’t had some of the emotional intelligence that we know now. I’ll give you a couple of examples. You know, my dad was tough on me. And he did that because he wanted me to be strong and all this other stuff. So, if I was in a race with 100 other kids and I was four years old and they said, Go, I would race as hard as I could. And I got second out of 100. Kids. What do you think about me I got third out of 100. Kids, what do you think my dad said?

Sean 

I mean, based on what you said, I would imagine he would not be the happiest person in the world.

Michael Anderson 

Yeah, he’s like, Oh, man. The third is no good. You’ve got to pump your arms harder. And then you got to thinking, You’re not running hard enough. I ran as hard as I could. So the next race goes, I put my arms as hard as I can, I run as fast as I can, and I come in second. Second out of 100. What’s my dad saying again?

Sean 

Yeah, you got to pump your arms even harder.

The importance of making connections with your parents

Michael Anderson 

Yeah, yeah, for it’s not the first. And so, I made a connection at that time with my dad’s acceptance and my dad’s love, becoming first and becoming perfect. Right. And that’s when and that’s the age where we’re making these connections last and they become subconscious. Another example is, when I’m five years old and I get an A plus on my math test, I go to my mom, and my mom goes, Oh, my gosh, Michael, you got an A plus; I love you so much; you’re perfect. It’s making that same connection when I get an A+ or when I show up perfectly. I get that love and adoration from my mom. So, the next day, the next time I go, I have a choice. So, a couple of years later, I have the choice to take a hard test or an easy test. I took the easy test. And then, if you take it to the next step, if I have a choice between taking an easy test or a no test, I take the no test because there’s no chance of failing and losing that love and acceptance. So, when we talk about procrastination, that’s where it comes from. Because we’re avoiding our tests. Yeah, we are comfortable where we are. And we don’t want to do anything that’s going to potentially end in rejection. Because that’s going to meet, that’s going to reject you as a person, and we’re going to lose that love and connection, which our whole world revolves around. So, it’s a little bit deep.

Sean 

Yes, it is. I was wondering what you suggested. For parents’ good parents Avoid planting seeds with these connections.

Michael Anderson 

Well, they did it. I’m not a parenting expert. But I did. I did get some context from the book Mindset by Carol Dweck. And it’s awesome because she talks about how she studied achieving people and not achieving people, and she stood out to them. And she studied athletes; she studied kids and your athletes. This will be a fun conversation. But she said that people that achieve are kids who get good grades or whatever it is. When they fail. They take the mindset that she breaks into two things: a learning mindset and a fixed mindset. When people who achieve fail. They take the mindset that they studied the wrong way and practice it the wrong way. They didn’t practice hard enough. They did something in preparation so that they could do it. Something leading up to that wasn’t in their favor. People with a fixed mindset think that they’re broken, wrong, or stupid, so they quit trying. So, when you have a learning mindset, you’re like, Whoa, well, I just didn’t prepare correctly or enough. So, what am I going to do next time I truly take it as a learning thing? If you look at athletes, I mean, you know, take some stud baseball player, you know, he’s in high school, he’s hitting all these home runs in college, and everybody’s like Man, Joe, you don’t even have to practice, man, you’re so good. You know, if he practices, then he gets a triple-A ball, and suddenly, he’s not the stud anymore. And so instead of taking batting practice and hitting the weight room, he just goes and socks and talks about how much of an idiot the coach is and how, you know, it’s just Bs, and blah, blah, blah. And he or she’s really studied this, and the athletes that are like, You know what? I’m going to go hit the weight room harder because I didn’t do well in practice. I’m going to go talk to my coach and see what I can do. They’re the people who make it to the next level. And that’s why you see so many of these awesome superstar athletes flaming out—it’s because of their mindset.

Adopt a learning mindset

Sean 

Yeah, I’ve heard of that. fixed mindset versus a learning mindset before And I think, yeah, adopting a learning mindset is possible, right? No matter what mindset you have now,

Michael Anderson 

It’s so interesting, because I, the books, read a lot of new books, I go back and read the books that I’ve read before, and that really impact me to get them at a deeper level.and it’s like, I’m on the third type of mindset. And I keep finding this because I know this pretty well. But I keep finding other places in my life where I’m showing up with a fixed mindset or as a victim, you know, as I can’t remember what something I was listening to the last time, and I’m like, Oh, man, I’m totally doing that. So even though we know this stuff, it’s like getting deeper and deeper into our lives. And what we want to do is use the easy-to-use system that I teach people to get over this sick, fixed mindset. And to get us into action, I call it experimenting. And well, let’s go back really quickly one time. So, when you have a kid, instead of you, what she says is that you don’t even want to praise him if he gets an A; you just want to praise him if the kid is challenging himself or herself. And then also going out in full force. So, you know, they may, you know, challenge themselves and take like a sixth-grade class when they’re in a fifth-grade class, study their butt off and maybe get a C; that should get much more praise than then taking the fifth-grade course and getting an A plus. In fact, she says, if they just keep getting a plus, you should say, Oh, well, it looks like you’re not challenging yourself. Yeah. Which I’m like, That’s awesome. Because I’ll tell you, if I really worked to take on every challenge I could in my life, I would go for it and not be as attached to the outcome. Of course, my preference is to win. And I’m looking at it as a learning opportunity. And I’ll tell you, I play in a lot more games now. And I show up, and I may not win as much, but I’m getting massively more experienced. And I’m definitely evolving as a person much quicker than I did when I played it safe.

Sean 

Yeah, absolutely. I love it. This is turning into the parenting podcast; some good stuff.

Michael Anderson 

And so, you know, the next step is changing our definition of success. So, our definition of success is no longer winning; it’s no longer being perfect. Our definition of success is trying things out, playing the game, and playing hard. And I do that, and I teach people to do that. And that’s the name of the book. It’s called the experiment. So, what I mean by that is that when you want to make a change in your life, call it an experiment. Take the smallest, the smallest viable products and people got the MVP, the minimum viable product. That’s the only way you can really taste doing that. Do it on a small scale. See if you like it; if you don’t, don’t do it or change something. If you like it, keep doing it. And because the only way we fail in an experiment is not to conduct it, And I’ll give you an example. So, a friend of mine, Mary, called me up, and she was crying. So, Mary, what’s up? She’s like, Hey, I just went to the doctor, and I got diagnosed with gluten intolerance. That means she’s allergic to wheat. And I said, Well, I hear you, Mary; that’s tough. Well, you know, you are taking it hard. She goes, Well, you know, I have bagels for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, and pasta for dinner; those all have wheat in them. And I’m really freaked out because I don’t know how to change every meal. I’m going to eat from now until I die. You know, that’s all my meals. She was just freaked out because she has to make this total lifestyle change. And she just got this information. I hear you, Mary like you don’t actually have to change every meal you eat for the rest of your life. What do you mean, I go, well, take a deep breath. And let’s try an experiment. And I said, Mary, can you go the next 24 hours, the next three meals, and take it out of your diet for those three meals? She thought for a second. She was like, Yeah, I can do 24 hours. So okay, so we’ll focus on those first 24 hours. So, we have a call 24 Hours later, and she goes, You know what? Michael wasn’t that hard. You know, I know, breakfast is good. Lunch was good. I need something different for snacks because I used to eat pretzels. And she’s like, No, it’s actually really, really easy—easier than I thought. I said, Okay, well, let’s do a one-week experiment then. So we did it for one week. And then we had a regroup. And now that she’s honored, she’s often on our way. But do you see how changing what you eat for the rest of your life can be intimidating? But changing what you eat as an experiment for the next 24 hours can be much easier in your life.

The importance of setting small goals

Sean 

Yeah, absolutely. It’s an incredible, like, psychological hack. It is.

Michael Anderson 

It is. And you’re right psychologically when our brain gets these things that are big and audacious, which, you know, people like me, you, and the men’s improvement listeners do too. That’s what we all put out there, which is great to have those goals, but it freaks the brain out psychologically because the brain can’t control it, it doesn’t know how to frame it, and it doesn’t know if it can commit to these things. So, it’s okay to have these goals. But you really want to focus on these little experiments. And again, when it’s an experiment, if it doesn’t work, that’s okay. If I want to run a marathon and I get it done five times a day for the next three months, man, that’s a lot. I’m like, Man, do I run before work? Do I run after work? Do I need new shoes? I’m like, You know, I don’t have to worry about it. The next week, I’m going to run once for 15 minutes before work and once for 15 minutes after work, using my same shoes. And then, if I need new shoes, I’ll buy them, so I don’t know that it’s not a decision anymore. It’s just something that I go play with. And then I adjust?

Sean 

Absolutely. And I think I’m thinking now just to, like, bring it all full circle to someone who is unhappy with their life. The thought of, you know, taking on a whole new career or, you know, what they can do can be daunting to the brain as well. So, I think, yeah, well, let me if someone were to say, you know, let me take two hours every night and, you know, try to figure out what I want to do. Or try to put some time into a website or, you know, building a product. And let’s see what happens after a week. Let’s do an experiment. You know, let’s see if it gets any worse. Let’s see if I get any emails back or if any people are interested in what I’m doing. That, to me, sounds so much less daunting, and then, oh, I hate my job. I must quit, try to figure out what I want to do with my life, and hurry. So, I make a lot of money fast, you know? Yeah. Yeah, it’s incredible. You’re right.

Michael Anderson 

And if somebody is at a job that they don’t like, they have a couple of options. If they want to go into a new field, they can, you know, volunteer on a Saturday or get a small part-time job for a week. I mean, if you get a part-time job for a week, that doesn’t mean you don’t have to commit to it for the next 10 years. You know, you can go to a seminar, you can do reading online, or you can just go get another job, knowing that if you don’t like the new job, you’re going to quit that one, too. I mean, it’s okay to do that nowadays; you know, we’re not in Japan or the 1920s, where you work the whole place for the rest of your life. So, you know, try and maybe fail; you know, if that’s your definition of fail, maybe fail, but actually, that’s a big lesson. And, you know, some people say I shouldn’t use, you know, succeed or fail, but, you know, I’m a sports guy to shine. So, you know, in a way, I frame it as saying that I’m okay with failing; I’m okay with not being perfect. I’m okay with not winning. I just want to be the guy in the game.

Sean 

Yeah, absolutely. And now, this has been great. You know, I’ve personally learned a lot, and I think that guys who are in that position can definitely take a lot out of this. One thing I wanted to ask you before you go was, Imagine if you could add 10 years to your life. So how do you do that?

Michael Anderson 

So, they studied optimism. And they found that when people are optimistic, they live longer. And they studied people with heart failure. I mean, these aren’t, like, sort of studies. These are like real studies where they took, you know, 7000 people and studied them over, you know, their whole lives, and they’ve done these optimistic things, and to be optimistic, it’s so much easier than people think. But what’s interesting is that we’re trained to be pessimists. We’re trained for two reasons. I mean, there are chemicals, and the way our brain is built, we’re meant to pick out problems because when we were cavemen, if we saw food, we saw dinosaurs. It was much more important to focus on the dinosaur going to eat us than the berries that were hungry. So, our brains developed to really pick out problems quickly. And then, as we know, if you are an engineer, you know, when people come to you, or if you’re an accountant, people are normally giving things to you to find out problems. You know, hey, here’s a drawing. Where’s the structural defect? Here’s a financial statement. I’m an accountant. Where’s the problem in this financial statement? We’re often not, you know, trained to pick out good things. So, what we must do is retrain our brains to pick out positive things in our lives. And the easiest way to do that is, at the end of the day—this is in the book too—to just pick out all the good things that happened to you in the day. You know, I have three different columns. I have one, which is gratitude. I pick out all the things that I have gratitude for in my life. And I just make it really specific, you know, whether I just took a hot shower or I had an awesome lunch, I just made this hot chick, you know those, because as we go through life, we’re going to be like, Hey, my life is pretty cool. Look at all these things that retrain the brain there. Then I write down how I affect the world. And because I make a lot of good decisions in the world, sometimes I forget how capable I am. So, I write them down, and it just helps me get rid of some anxiety and stress. And then I write down how I’ve been fortunate. And the way I say this is, Where did the world smile upon me today? So where did I have good luck or good fortune that I got that awesome parking space? Did that prospect that I thought was last call me back out of nowhere? Because it reminds me that the universe is a giving, supportive place because sometimes I get caught up in situations where the universe is against me. But at the end of the day, the universe gives me so much more. And sometimes I focus on the negative; this helps me remember what an awesome place we’re living in.

Sean 

Now, you just brought up so many amazing points. And I agree with you 100%; I did the same thing with gratitude, writing it down every morning and every night. And it works. And it becomes a habit after a certain time—you know, scientifically, they say 30 days—but however long it takes, it becomes a habit. And yeah, you do retrain your brain, and eventually, you become a different person. You’re feeling gratitude. All the time, you know, even when things go wrong, if you break down or something, instead of immediately getting pissed off, you can immediately feel gratitude. Well, at least, you know, at least I’m not on a bridge, or at least this, and it changes everything. Every person I’ve learned from listened to, and watched has spoken about gratitude as a key part of their success. So, I think everyone can benefit from doing what you did. And the second point I wanted to bring up was just getting the pen and paper out. Almost every podcast I do on here, everyone I talked to, no matter what it is, even if it’s about dating and meeting women, one of their biggest tips is, you know, get up, grab a piece of paper and a pen, and write this stuff down. Write down what you’re not good at, and then improve on it or write down what you’re grateful for. It’s something that no one does. But I think it just turns things into something that makes it more real and more effective to write everything down. It’s incredible.

Michael Anderson 

Yeah, it does. And I just encourage everybody to find What Works in their lives. I mean, for most people, it’s the first thing they do when they wake up or right before they go to bed. Make that your pen and paper time, and you know, experiment with different stuff. And you know, a gratitude journal might be great for three months. And if it’s not serving you anymore, switch. You know, don’t be one of these people. I said I’m going to do it forever. Do it forever. But you know, just really listen to your intuition and just go with what? Yeah, it really seems right.

Sean 

Yeah, absolutely. And that put the icing on the cake of this podcast. And I just want to thank you for, you know, sharing all this information with everyone. And where can people find you and your book? And more of that?

Michael Anderson 

Absolutely. So, my personal website is executivejoy.com. That’s executivejoy.com. And the book is available at experiment today.com. And the book is a modern-day business fable. It’s about 150 pages; you get through it in about an hour and a half. So many people send me books; I wanted to write a book that’s quick, easy to read and provides massive value. So, I wrote a story. So, it’s actually fun to read. It’s packed full of content, and it has exercises if you want to use them on yourself. If you want to make changes in your life, it’s a story about a business owner who is separated from a spouse after drinking too much and having relationship problems at work. But it really teaches you how to take ownership of your life and how to make changes in it. So, if you are somebody who wants to make new changes, get this book. It’s a quick, easy read, it’s got exercises, and when you get done with it, you can actually sign up for a small e-course for additional support. And if you do buy it and you mention Menprovement, send an email with your Amazon receipt to info at executivejoy.com. Again, as information at executivejoy.com indicates, To me, I’ll send you a five-minute audio. It’s called the procrastination toolbox. And it’s a five-minute audio that’s inspirational, and if you ever want to get your butt move, just listen to this audio, and boom, you’re action.

Sean 

Nice man. That’s awesome. I appreciate that. And I appreciate everything else you shared with us today. It’s been a pleasure.

Menprovement Podcast 

Thanks for listening to the Menprovement podcast with Sean Russell. Get more episodes, more tips, and download our free self-improvement eBooks at WWW dot Menprovement.com.