Dating can be harsh for any personality type, but it’s especially draining for introverted men who only have so much social energy to spend.
The number one question I get from introverted men is: “How can I become successful at dating if I’m an introvert?” And there’s a good reason for that. Most dating advice is focused on extroverts or, at the very least, tries to turn introverts into extroverts.
Here are some examples of typical dating advice that probably make you cringe.
“Go to lots of parties, act like you’re the mayor, and talk to everyone.”
“Talk to 40 women per day for one year.”
“Learn how to entertain big groups of people so you look like you’re the leader.”
The problem with all this advice is that it goes against the very way you get energy. Introverts get energy from being on their own, while extroverts get energy from interacting with people.
Most dating advice tries to turn introverts into extroverts as if introversion is some kind of disease that needs to be cured. Nothing could be further from the truth. This is a HUMONGOUS problem because everywhere introverts turn for help with dating, people tell them they have to become someone they’re not.
Because of that, most introverts start to think there’s something inherently wrong with them. Consequently, many avoid dating and focus on their friends, hobbies, and careers. If that is you, be careful!
This is a dangerous way to go. Before you know it, you’ll be used to this lifestyle and you won’t even think about fixing it later.
That’s when you’ll either settle for a woman you’re not attracted to or stay alone for the rest of your life. The irony in all of this is that most introverts are what is called a “catch”. They have their shit together!
That’s because they’ve focused so much attention on the other parts of their life. But they are frustrated because they’re lonely, while many shitty and mediocre men get all the women.
If that’s you, don’t worry—this blog post might very well be the beginning of the rest of your new life. Let me start with a news flash: THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. There’s EVERYTHING wrong with 99% of the dating advice out there.
I know because I’ve been coaching introverted men to succeed with women and dating for more than 20 years. And I can assure you that when it comes to dating, introversion is not a weakness, it’s a strength. You just need to learn how to leverage that strength. And today, I’d like to show you some of the secrets that I’ve learned over the past 20 years of coaching introverted men.
So buckle up, because you’re about to be blown away by their simplicity.
Unplug From General Dating Advice.
If you want a healthy body, don’t stuff your body with bad food. Eat healthy food. If you want a healthy mind, don’t stuff your mind with bad information. Consume healthy information.
Most dating advice is toxic for introverted men. The more you read it, the more you think there’s something wrong with you.
Here’s a general rule: before you read any article, first check if that person is a dating coach specialized in introverted men. If not, don’t even read the article.
It doesn’t matter how appealing the title is or how curious it makes you. Just don’t read it. Not even for fun. Because, unconsciously, it’ll build a belief that there’s something wrong with you or that love just wasn’t meant for you. Now that you’ve protected your mind from toxic concepts, it’s time for the next step.
Realize Your Strengths As An Introvert.
As an introverted man, you have many strengths. Here are just a few of them.
You are a good listener. Because you listen more than you speak, you are naturally mysterious. You have more of an effortless, James Bond style. You know how to deeply connect with people. You are thoughtful, etc.
Right now you might be thinking, “Yeah, that’s me, but so far it only got me a kiss on the cheek, a pat on the shoulder, and a ticket to friend-zone purgatory.”
If that’s the case, I have a second news flash for you.
It’s not your listening skills, connecting skills, or thoughtfulness that land you into the friend zone. It’s something else.
It’s not something you do. It’s something you don’t do.
It’s not the presence of something. It’s the absence of something. That something is that magical, powerful, gut-level feeling of attraction.
For a woman to fall for you, she needs to feel three emotions: connection, attraction, and arousal. Most introverts only focus on creating connections. And that’s about to change for you today. I’d like to show you how to add attraction and arousal to your interactions with women. And I’d like to show you how to do that in an introvert-friendly way.
Leverage Your Natural Strengths.
As we saw earlier, you have many strengths. You are mysterious, and you are good at connecting and listening. The big mistake most men make when they try to fix their dating life is trying to become someone they’re not.
They try to build on something that’s lacking a foundation. You wouldn’t build a house without a foundation, and the same goes for dating skills. But let them take that approach. All the better for us. We’ll take another road.
Instead of doing a 180 on your personality, we’ll build on your existing skills and turn them into babe-getting superpowers. Let’s have a look at how you can use one of your biggest strengths to build that powerful, magical feeling of attraction and sexual tension. I’m talking about using your listening skills in new ways.
1. Use Your Listening Skills To Build Attraction.
Yes, you read that correctly. You can create attraction just by listening to a woman. You just need to use that existing strength of yours and tweak it a little bit. Here’s how to do it.
The next time you’re with a woman, I’d like you to do your normal listening thing. That will take care of the connection emotion.
Now we need to add attraction to the conversation as well. And it’s easy.
While you’re listening to her, I’d like you to listen in a particular way. I’d like you to listen for a screening purpose. That means listening to find out if she meets your criteria.
So, for example, if you like women that love pets, you can ask her: “Do you like animals?” Or if you dislike women that party a lot, you can ask her: “Do you party a lot?”
When you ask her these screening questions, she’ll know that you are screening her.
Here’s how that creates attraction.
Women are attracted to men that are successful with women. It’s called pre-selection. Pre-selection states that women become attracted to a man when they know other women are attracted to that man. Plus, being picky is good for your self-esteem.
Now, extroverted guys would tell stories and brag about other women in their life. But that’s not you.
Introverts take a different, more subtle approach. We don’t like to boast. By asking her screening questions, she will assume that you have options with women.
Only a man with options is picky. If she was your only option, you wouldn’t weigh her like that. Anything would do. Listening with a screening purpose is one of the most powerful ways to create attraction in women. And more importantly, it’s a way that’s perfectly aligned with one of your strengths, which is listening.
You just do it in a slightly different way. That’s what I mean when I say that you need to leverage your strengths instead of doing a 180 on your personality.
In order for screening to work, you need to really care. You can’t ask her screening questions if you don’t care about the answers. That’s why I have this exercise for you.
Write down the answers to the following questions:
- What character traits does my ideal woman have?
- What does her typical day look like?
- What kind of activities does she do? Sports, hobbies, etc.
- What values does she have?
Once you have your list, pick five qualities and turn them into a question. In your next conversation, just sprinkle those five questions in and watch her attraction grow.
If you add screening to your existing listening and connecting skills, you now have two out of the three emotions that women need to feel to fall for you. You now have connection and attraction. Let’s look at how to add the final emotion: arousal.
2. Use Your Listening Skills To Create Arousal.
Most introverted men listen to women the wrong way. They’ll either nervously nod at everything she says, or they’ll be in their head thinking of the next question to ask. The reason for that is because they’re usually afraid that the conversation will fall flat.
This kills any opportunity for sexual tension or arousal. Here’s what I would like you to do instead. Listen to her, and only think after she’s done talking.
What I mean by this is simple. When she talks, build a picture of her based on the information she gives you. That will get you in a present state, and she will notice that. It will enable you to connect with her more deeply.
After she’s done talking, only then do you think of what to say next. But here’s the thing. You think of what to say next WHILE keeping eye contact.
Here’s why this is so powerful. Eye contact + a pause = sexual tension. By listening and thinking of what to say after she’s done talking, WHILE keeping eye contact, you naturally create sexual tension.
Again, as you can see, this is all-natural. No tricks or gimmicks. You leverage your existing listening skills and tweak them a little.
The tweak that you add is that you need to learn to think while keeping eye contact. And BOOM! Just like that, you’ve now added arousal to your interactions.
By the way, if you want to learn more conversation skills for introverts, watch this.
3. Use Touch To Create Romance.
The last thing that I would like you to add to your interactions is touch. Touch is probably the most powerful of all the dating skills out there.
The reason for that is because touching is what dating is all about. It is the heart and essence of dating. If you look at what dating is, you’ll see that it’s two people getting to know each other and physically escalating the relationship over time.
However, most introverts make the mistake of never touching a woman during dates. One of their fears is to touch them in the wrong place or at the wrong time and come across as creepy.
Ironically, the fact that they don’t touch women at all creates really awkward, creepy moments. Here’s why.
If you don’t touch her, you don’t allow her to get comfortable with your touch. And then, if at end of the date, you suddenly go in for the kiss, it can create a very awkward situation.
And if she refuses, it feels like a hard rejection. No wonder that going for the first kiss is such a nerve-wracking experience for most men.
The solution to this is to touch her BEFORE going in for the kiss. Women need to feel comfortable with you touching them before they’ll be comfortable with you kissing them.
So how do you touch women? How do you do it in a way where you’re never trespassing or being creepy? There are three types of touch: social touch, seductive touch, and sexual touch.
Social touch is when you touch women in socially acceptable places. For example, touching her shoulder, her elbow, or her lower arm. You use social touch right off the bat when meeting women. The purpose of social touch is to get women comfortable with your touching.
Once you see she’s comfortable with your social touching, you then escalate to…
Seductive touch is when you touch women in areas that ex-boyfriends would touch them. For example, touching their waist, touching their hair, holding her hand, etc. The purpose of seductive touch is to position you as a potential lover. You use seductive touch only after she’s comfortable with your social touch.
Once she’s comfortable with your seductive touch, you then escalate to…
Sexual touch is all about touching her erogenous zones. For example, touching her breasts. The purpose of sexual touch is to become sexually intimate. Sexual touch is used later in the dating process. You only use it once she’s comfortable with your seductive touches and when both of you are in a private location.
Most dating advice tries to turn introverts into extroverts. Because of that, many introverts think there’s something inherently wrong with them.
Nothing could be further from the truth. Introversion is a strength if you know how to leverage it. One of your biggest strengths is listening.
The problem is that most introverts focus on listening with the single purpose of connecting. You can use your listening skills in ways that don’t just create connections, but also create attraction and sexual chemistry. You also need to touch women. Touch is the most important part of dating.
There are three different types of touches you use to become romantically involved with women without ever trespassing or being creepy. It’s critical that you learn how to use all three types of touch, and it’s even more critical to know exactly when to use them.
If you want to know more about how and when to use escalating touch, or if you want 100 more dating tips like the three you’ve just read, I’ve included a bonus package for you in my bio below. Check it out now.
Nick Neeson is the world’s leading dating coach for introverted men and the highest-paid dating consultant on the planet. He founded Introverted Badass to help intelligent, introverted men become badass with women, without losing their integrity. Introverted Badass is the global market leader for introverted men looking to improve their dating skills naturally and without using lies, tricks, or manipulation. Go to IntrovertedBadass.com/MenProvement-Special Bonus/ to get a special bonus package related to this post. This special bonus is exclusively for readers of MenProvement.