“If you loved me, you would know that….”
Gentlemen, have you ever encountered this sentence, said by your girlfriend or wife? I am sure many of you have, indeed.
And what could you do with it? How did you react? What did you say or do? What did you think? Did you think that if you loved her, you would really need to know, that… for example she craves an orange juice, or she would have preferred spending the weekend at home cuddling instead of going out, or that she would have loved to have a home-made dinner instead of the take-out, etc?
Let me help you here. No, you don’t necessarily need to know, if she doesn’t say it. As mind-reading and telepathy is not (yet, at least) a widely used human ability, this sentence is wrong at its roots already.
Dear Gentlemen, I beg for your pardon, on behalf of all the women who use this sentence with their partners. Because it is not realistic to expect from our boyfriend or husband to know all our thoughts, all our hidden desires, all the unspoken words. This is simply not how it works.
Yet, I see this happening in many relationships. Women expecting things from men to do for them. The problem is already with the word of expecting. Why would anyone expect anything from anyone? That is all so wrong! If she expects something, it means that she has a pre-planned vision in her head of how things should turn out to be. Which is not yet an issue. However, the issue is that the second step of this is missing. This second step would be communicating it. Saying it out loud (but not shouting!), with words, what she would like or prefer.
But, instead of articulating the needs, she wants to play the guessing game of “If you loved me, you would know that…” – and complete the sentence with whatever you want or have experienced.
So, what’s the deal here? What is this whole psychological game about?
Because yes, this is a psychological game, by the way. The Woman, being in a relationship, but having been conditioned all her life not to talk about her needs. Maybe as a child she learned, that even if she says what she needs, no one cares about it. Therefore, she started not to say it – without even noticing it. Maybe this is how the Woman grew up, and lived her life all along. In the meantime, being utterly frustrated deep inside, that no one cares about her. And this frustration bursts out from time to time from her. Like a volcano, erupts. But by the time it happens, the articulation of the needs (aka outburst, shouting, verbal fight) is all but assertive and kind. It is rather like pouring an ice bucket on the head of the boyfriend/husband.
This is not so fair, is it?
The Woman in this case should learn how to verbalize what she wants, what she needs. But let’s take a step back. First and foremost, the Woman should be aware of her own needs. This sounds trivial, that everyone knows their own needs, but unfortunately based on my experience with my coaching clients, this is far from the truth. Those people, who grew up while their needs were not heard and/or met, eventually forgot about them. They lose connection to their inner self, hence to their necessities as well.
The First Step
Therefore, the real first step for our Woman is herself paying attention of her deep inner needs. Thinking about them, writing them down, even discussing them with her partner (if you two are brave enough already at this initial step :D). Without this list, she would not really be able to step out from this behaviour mechanism.
The Second Step
Now, that the Woman is aware, as the second step, she needs to start to communicate these needs to her partner.
This communication part can again be tricky… Given that she has never done this before, she will not necessarily know how to do it.
Like when a baby starts to walk. Tries to stand up, falls. Stands up again, maybe does two steps, falls again. And again, and again, until the baby has enough practice to be able to walk on their own. Well, the same thing happens with the Woman, when she starts to communicate her needs, maybe for the first time in her life. She will fall, several times. Sometimes she can be rude, sometimes she can be weak in her communication, anything is possible.
So dear Gentleman…
…if your partner has the intention to quit from this psychological game and starts to communicate her needs, please be patient. Encourage her. Let her know how you would like her to say these things. Allow this whole practice to be a two-way communication between you two.
Also, ask her more often proactively what she needs. Give her time to think and respond. Maybe she will not have an answer right away. Maybe she can only answer you in a day or two. But as she practices, she will get better. And you can create harmony between yourselves.
But this is the better case, when the Woman already realised that she wants to step out from the psychological game and make a change. This way it is easier for you, Gentlemen.
And what happens, when the Woman is still one step back, still actively playing the “you should know…” game?
In this case what you can do (for your own sake, for that of the Woman and your relationship) is to calmly explain to her that you would be happy to do things more the way she wants, but for that she needs to tell you these needs. One by one, step by step, avoiding the volcano eruption (don’t tell her this volcano thing though… 🙂 That would just be fuel to the fire. Or to the vulcano actually… Whatever, you don’t want to experience it, believe me 🙂 ). Worst case scenario is that she is absolutely not open to do this and wants to remain in her role within the game. In this case you need to start to think about whether or not this is the right relationship for you. A better scenario is when the Woman realises that she could do it differently and starts to do it.
Honestly, I see it happening in many relationships, that women are playing hard-core psychological games like this with their partner. I see that many of these cases can be solved and changed for the better. But there are also those ones, where the woman shows zero willingness in admitting that she makes mistakes. She insists on her being perfect and the man being the one who should change. I see when after a longer time spent in these relationships, the men start to believe that they are worthless, that only they make mistakes. I have had various coaching clients like this. I will tell about them to you in one of my future articles, so that you can learn from their stories.
The main point for now though, is that if your girlfriend/wife tends to say this ‘beloved’ sentence of “you should know…”, try the above-mentioned hints and tips.
Try to change your relationship together. In a relationship it always takes two, to improve together, become better together.
Do your part and allow time for your partner to do her part as well. But also, don’t forget that if there is no change, no willingness from her end, you should think about saving yourself. By parting ways with her.
All the best of luck to you, Gentlemen with this! If you would like to share such stories, experiences or successes with me, you are more than welcome to do so! 🙂
And in the meantime if you would like to read my previous articles about relationships and dating, visit my website at www.hctmethod.com, where you can find my blog and also article compilations by various topics.
Till next time,
Dori is the founder of the HCT – Holistic Coaching Therapy method, through which she is offering real, profound and long-lasting solutions to the issues of her coaching clients. She helps her clients in the areas of dating, relationships, human connections, self-awareness, self-confidence and holistic mindset. She is the owner of the HCT blog, where she has been writing about these topics (and much more) for years.