Before starting this article, let’s get one thing straight. The only person you should worry about liking you is you.
That being said, social skills are essential for growth in life, and understanding the science behind what makes people really like you is a fantastic skillset to have. Imagine being able to make lasting impressions with high-caliber clients at networking events. Imagine being able to leave a mark in the mind of every beautiful girl you meet. Imagine being the most memorable person in the room.
Your life would be a whole lot better wouldn’t it?
So let’s dive into 10 things you can do to instantly get people to connect with you, like you, and want to see more of you.
1) Be Genuinely Interested in Other People
Zach Luzinsky mentioned in our most recent podcast that one of the keys to his massive success by age 26 is that he puts genuine interest in truly getting to know everyone he meets. So many of us are guilty of plain not giving a shit about anyone else. While in conversations and we’re nodding our heads while gazing into the distance thinking about what we should grab for dinner. Until of course we are asked a question about ourselves. Then we perk back up and get back into the conversation. I was guilty of this most of my life. And it’s a big weakness.
If you are not genuinely interested in other people, or who you are talking to at that moment, they can tell. I’m sure you can tell when someone just doesn’t want to be there, can’t you?
So what can you do?
For starters decide right now to take a genuine interest in everyone you meet. Don’t pretend, but really find the desire to learn everything about someone. I have found it to be fascinating. And as Zach says, “No matter what someone looks like on the outside, everyone has something to offer you. Something you can learn from. You just have to find it.”
This attitude, along with the application of point 1, has gotten Zach mentors like the CEO of Kashi. At first, he was just a random older man in his Ju-Jitsu class, but Zach showed a genuine interest in him from day 1, only to learn he would be one of the greatest business assets he ever had. To learn more about how Zach Luzinsky used mentors to build multiple million-dollar businesses by age 26, check out this podcast episode.
2) Ask The Right Questions
You know how it goes. You meet someone for the first time at a friends party, your friend introduces you and then has to leave to take care of the other guests: And so the conversation goes:
“So what do you do”
“Where are you from”
“How long have you been in the city?”
Both of you can’t wait to leave the conversation. A conversation like this is rarely going to ever leave a lasting impression. It’s why most guys have so much trouble talking to girls in bars because this is how it goes. It scientifically puts the brain at a point of low activity.
But imagine if you asked questions that elicited emotion in other people and put the brain into a state of excitement. Questions that caused their brains to pump out dopamine as they really thought about their answer. It’s not hard to do. These questions exist.
Some examples are:
“What is your greatest passion in life?”
“What’s your proudest moment?”
“Describe to me your most euphoric moment?”
“Where do you see yourself in three years”
Talking about work? – “What’s the single greatest moment you’ve had in your career so far?”
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Questions like this cause a release of dopamine in your brain because they excite you and cause you to dive deep down and think about something you may not have thought about before.
Fun fact: The more dopamine present during a memory, the stronger the connection and memory become.
How do you ask these questions without coming off as a weirdo you ask? It’s safe to say that walking up to someone you just met and asking them about their most euphoric moment is kind of strange. So how do you work that into the conversation?
As I learned in Charisma on Command, an online symposium by Ben Altman – the best first question to ask, to be able to get close to these questions, is “so what’s your story?”
This simple phrase will allow someone to start talking about their life, and during that time, since you are now genuinely interested in what they are saying, you will pick up cues to roll off of. If they talk about their job as a stockbroker you could ask them a question like “what’s the wildest moment you’ve had on wall street that you looked at your life and thought, “this is just like the movie The Wolf of Wall Street?” Or anything you can think of.
To wrap this section up, research shows that people don’t remember what you said. They remember how you made them feel. Give them the feeling of winning and excitement every conversation and they’ll never forget you. Say goodbye to boring conversations forever!
3) Why > What
One of the greatest conversational tips I heard was from James Swanwick, an anchor for ESPN, and is to always ask why over what. The last point touched on asking dopamine-activating questions. Well, you only need one word to do that:
If you can ask someone a why question over a what question it is going to almost always release an emotional response where they have to really dig deep down and think about an answer. And it’s an effortless way to keep the conversation going. And if you’re genuinely interested in them, you’ll want to ask why anyway.
“If you could travel to one country right now where would it be?”
“Oh really, that’s fascinating, why is that?”
3) Stop Being A Needy People Pleaser
Genuinely being interested in people does not mean kissing their asses and coming off as a needy annoying pest. Dan Munro says it best in our interview about crushing social anxiety and building self-confidence, “don’t be the guy who is constantly trying to get people to like him, it will drive them away.” Sounds counterintuitive right?
But if you’re actively doing the steps listed here, and they are just a part of your awesome interesting repertoire, then you don’t have to try to get people to like you. They just will. Trying to get people to like you by sucking up, doing things they haven’t asked you to do, or being a people pleaser does not work. And it actually does the opposite.
Be confident and fulfilled enough to know you have plenty to offer people in conversations, then go out and do you. If they don’t like you, then it’s an issue on their end and that needs to be okay with you. Never seek validation from the outside world.
4) Be an Interesting Guy!
Why is anyone going to be genuinely interested in you if you have nothing going on in your life?
Luckily, you read Menprovement.com and you most likely are a badass dude who dresses in awesome clothes and does awesome stuff. Live an exciting life, have the ability to add to conversations through life experience and people will gravitate towards you.
5) But be Subtle About it
Be awesome by all means, but do not flaunt your epic life around. This is needy, and remember, neediness stinks. It’s an odor everyone can smell. It’s like donating to charity and then having to tell everyone you did it. It takes the sting right off it. One of my most powerful tips for self-confidence is to become so awesome that you don’t have to tell a soul about it.
The more subtle you are, the more powerful this is. Be so confident and pleased with your life that you have no need to have to tell people about it to try to impress or get their approval. You don’t need their approval, you have internalized self-approval.
And trust me, people will know the great things you are doing in your life. And when they hear it from others and ask you about it then by all means tell them what they now want to know.
6) Have The Correct Body Language
This is where things get cool. How can we manipulate our nonverbal communication to get people more interested in us and ultimately like us? All we have to do is simply hold the correct body language that we should be holding all the time.
Here’s a quick crash course:
The more space you take up, the more testosterone you release. Roll your shoulders back and down, keep your neck as long as possible, arms loose and down to the side, feet firmly planted hip-width or farther apart, and have your chest and chin raised slightly up.
This is a power pose, and not only will it show your confidence, but it will also literally release testosterone instead of cortisol. Low power body language (shoulders slumped, head down, etc.) actually causes you to pump out cortisol instead of testosterone. Cortisol is the stress hormone. It will make your mind cloudy, your nerves raise, and will throw you off your game.
To learn more about perfect posture check out this article by James Hollister.
Extra tip: hands
Where’s the first place people look when they meet someone?
No, it’s not the eyes. It’s the hands. I learned this from Vanessa Van Edwards, of ScienceofPeople.com, and it comes from early times where communication was 100% nonverbal. During this time, when you encountered someone, you would have to look at their hands to gauge their level of threat. And we still do it subconsciously.
How can you leverage this?
While seated, do not have your hands in your lap and under the table. When you do so, with or without the other person knowing you are putting their amygdala (controller of fear and anxiety) into slight alert. So whether they are consciously paying attention to you or not, their subconscious brain is wondering if they can trust you and they will not be able to focus 100% on what you are saying. When standing, always have your hands out of your pocket and open where people can see them. And if you’re wearing a hoodie, get those hands out of that front pocket.
7) It’s All in The Eyes
The eyes are the window to your soul. Or so they say. Regardless, in an interaction, eye contact is key! So make sure you hold great eye contact. But not too much. Vanessa Van Edwards recommends 60 – 70% of the time to be holding eye contact (anything above that is creepy). Jordan Harbinger recommends simply make it a habit to look and recognize what color someone’s eyes are when you first meet them. If you can do this, you have gotten your mandatory eye contact out of the way.
Where to look the other 30%?
Business: When in a business setting it is more advantageous to seem competent and science shows that the Alpha Male and men who are more competent focus their eyes on the other person’s eyes and forehead.
Sensual: If you are with a woman or someone you are trying to get intimate with, then science shows the best place to look is from the eyes to the lips, focusing heavily on the lips. This gives the subconscious cue that you want to kiss her, and she will feel it. As J.D Dallas says, you can do the triangle. Start at the left eye, move to the right, then down to the lips, then repeat. This stops the awkward 100% eye gaze, throws the lips into the mix, and automates the process.
8) Touch Them (Appropriately)
Any kind of physical touch releases oxytocin in our brain, the bonding hormone. This hormone is what makes you want to be with people and feel bonded with them. The easiest way to do this is with a handshake. Even this causes an oxytocin rush.
If you’re comfortable with it, or with the person, give them a hug. This is how Lewis Howes greets people to create instant comfort and bonding.
One of my personal favorites is to do an extended handhold with a pretty girl I just approached on the street. That handhold, while we were talking, has boosted my success rate dramatically. When giving a gentle handshake, make sure it is firm! There is nothing that will make me not want to ever meet someone again than a limp dead fish handshake. And I get more of those than you would ever imagine. Firm, but not at a level that will hurt them. So go out of your way to get that skin-to-skin contact. Science says a handshake is worth 3 hours of face-to-face time.
9) Remember Their Name
I have always been guilty of never remembering someone’s name after I meet them. Especially women. But it is my experience that the more you consciously use the tools we just talked about, the more you will be composed in interaction and focused enough to hear what they are saying. When you’re worrying about what to say, and you’re nervous, then you won’t have the mental capacity to remember their name. Most of you know what that’s like.
Tips for remembering names:
1) Be conscious and composed. This comes with practice.
2) Care about truly getting to know them.
3) Ask them how they spell it.
4) Repeat it within a couple of sentences.
Bill and Hilary Clinton have been described to be amazing at this. Remembering not only people’s names, but their kid’s names, and what’s going on in their life after only meeting them once! They meet thousands of people every year and people remember them by this more than anything. It leaves an incredible impression on someone. There is no excuse to not make this a conscious habit of your own.
10) Like Yourself
You cannot expect anyone to like you if you do not first like and love yourself. Why would they? You don’t even like you and you’re you! Work on loving yourself and being fulfilled from within. Give freely and expect nothing in return. And people will gravitate towards you.
These skills will put you above 99% of men out there.
Use them wisely.
With great power comes great responsibility.