Approach anxiety will completely put a stop to you living the life and getting the girls you want. It’s a problem that haunts millions of men all over the world. It is powerful, persuasive, and can last a lifetime. But it can be beaten.
What is Approach Anxiety
Approach anxiety is like any other fear/anxiety out there. It is the fear of approaching women.
Most of us have been there.
You see the most beautiful girl you have ever seen, all you want to do is talk to her and take her home, but there is something that’s stopping you from doing it. You can’t just do it. You can’t just walk over there and say hello, her beauty has paralyzed you. You may have just gone skydiving and then wrestled a bear, but this approaching woman seems to be the most fearful thing you could ever imagine.
So what’s the real reason for approach anxiety?.
So why exactly do men get approach anxiety? There are many reasons, each man may be different, but all of these are associated with approach anxiety around the world.
1) Fear of rejection
This is a fear you need to lose if you want to pick up girls. Rejection is inevitable.
2) Not knowing what to say
This, for me, was what I believed to be the root cause of my approach anxiety. I could see a gorgeous girl, all alone waiting to be approached, but never do anything about it because I simply didn’t have a clue of what to say to her. If I walked up to her and said hey, nervously, the conversation would have died instantly after her response.
3) Not being prepared
This is pretty much exactly the same as the last reason except it goes a little deeper.
4) Lack of self-confidence
If you don’t think you’re worth it, why would she?
5) Lack of experience
If you’ve never done something before it’s going to be hard!
The problem is that so often people fail to see the true cause of their issues, such as the ones above, so they never actually are able to overcome that issue (in our case approach anxiety).
When something is plaguing you, the first step to overcoming it is to figure out why it’s there. This is hardly ever done, especially for approach anxiety. So no matter what you do, if you are failing to address the root causes you will be stuck forever.
But now you know this. You can move forward, tackle each issue one by one (at the root), and overcome your approach anxiety forever…
How to overcome these issues
1) Fear of rejection
Some say that approach anxiety is from the fear of rejection. Maybe it is for some, but I don’t think that is the root cause. I personally suffered from terrible approach anxiety and it had nothing to do with the fear of rejection. I was so terrified of actually going up to the beautiful girl that rejection was the last thing on my mind. If you told me that there was a guaranteed she would go home with me I still would have been paralyzed. But regardless of me, if this the only thing stopping you from approaching girls then you’re lucky. Because it’s ridiculous.
You are going to get rejected. Let that absorb into your head. It’s a fact. The best of the best get rejected, and often. Being rejected is all part of the game. It’s a numbers game, and if you approach 10 girls you may be rejected by 9, but you’re going to get that one.
Just think about it this way. Who really cares. Straight up, who really gives a shit if that girl over there rejects you. I promise you that the feeling of regret you will get if you don’t talk to her will be 100 times worse than the 10 seconds of pain you will get if she rejects you. So learn to love rejection, because it’s going to happen a lot, especially in the beginning.
2) Not knowing what to say
Again, this is another easy one. When you take time to sit back, look at the problem, and think of a solution, it’s obvious. Most people never do that.
So you see a hot girl and you want to talk to her and you don’t know what to say. This is a good excuse to not go up and talk to her because you know you’re going to look like a fool and it will be awkward. This was my problem for years. I really didn’t care if she didn’t like me I just didn’t have a clue of what to say.
First, you need to decide what your style is. Direct or Indirect.
– Direct Opening – Approaching a woman and being direct about your intentions from the start. ” Hey, I just noticed you and thought you were very beautiful. Would you like to have a drink sometime?”
– Indirect Opening – Approaching a woman and being a pussy. ” Hey I have a quick question, my friend’s girlfriend caught him cheating blah blah blah I’m a big pussy.” Essentially you ask a question or advice, hoping to transition into the conversation and eventually seduction. I obviously don’t like this approach personally, but many do have good success with it.
So pick which one you like best and pick a line that you like. A fantastic way to start is to be simple and to the point. Walk up to her, and say “excuse me, I saw you and thought you were really cute, I just had to come to say hello to you. What’s your name?”
Two things can happen after this.
1) She says thank you and feels great about herself. You talk and it escalates to a number close, and possibly more.
2) She says thank you and feels great about herself. You talk and she’s not interested and sends you on your way.
Either way, you just made a girl feel good about herself while developing her social skills. The more you do this approach the better you will get. Eventually, you will just walk up and say things like “You’re gorgeous, why have I never seen you here before.” Or whatever you may please.
The moral to this section is just figure out what you’re going to say to girls you want, tonight. Just pick what you like, write it down, say it out loud until you like how it sounds, and pin it into your brain. Practice on your lamp if you want, who cares. Now when you are out you will have no excuse. When you see that girl, you will know exactly what you are going to say.
3) Not being prepared
Not being prepared is essentially like not knowing what to say, with some added features. Once again, before you can just wing it, you need to be prepared with what you are going to say to girls. See above.
You also need to prepare for the other areas of your life.
1) Look clean and respectable whenever you go out. You never know where you are going to run into the girl of your dreams. You may be in the supermarket just running out to get a few things.
2) Smell good. There’s no point in being ready to pick up a chick at a moment’s notice if you left the house smelling like dog shit.
3) If you’re looking and smelling fresh and happen to bump into an old flame or see a new match ready to be lit, you will be good to go.
4) Always be prepared.
4) Lack of self-confidence
If you have a lack of self-confidence when it comes to approaching girls, the only way to increase this is to start doing it more. The more you do it, the more success you will have, and the more your confidence will grow. Eventually, it will become fun and you will be a cocky show-off. This may take years but will never happen unless you start.
If you have a lack of self-confidence because you think you’re ugly then you need to fix your thoughts. Again, look at Yad from the day game. He’s not good looking and he can get almost any girl. He developed other areas of his game for attraction. Don’t use your looks as an excuse.
Start working out, or playing a sport to increase your self-confidence. Just don’t sit and mope because negative emotions grow on each other. The more you sit on them and use them as an excuse the stronger they get. You need to resist them, get out of your comfort zone, and then you can change your brain.
5) Lack of experience
So you have put in the time and fixed all the above issues. You have overcome your fear of rejection, you know what you’re going to say, you are prepared and look good, and you are confident. Congratulations, regardless of picking up women you have become a much better version of yourself.
But you still have approach anxiety! Why? Because you have never approached, or hardly do. There’s still a hesitant nervousness that will stop you from walking right up to her and saying what you want. This is for everybody. Approach anxiety will forever be there until you just decide, fuck it, and rip through that hesitation and do it.
Even the best pick-up artists had this exact feeling, and some still do. The key is to overcome that feeling. This is the last step in the entire process.
The only way to get past this hesitation is to just go for it. No matter what advice anyone ever gives you, no matter how many articles you read, no matter how many months you have prepared yourself, this last step is all you. No one can help you and it all comes from inside.
You may go out 20 times with the intent to approach a hot girl and chicken out. But one day you will hit a point where you just go for it. This first approach will be exhilarating. Your adrenaline will be pumping, and no matter what the result, you will feel great after.
If you did it once, you can do it 10 times. If you did it 10 times, you can do it 100 times. And once you do it 100 times, you will be on your way.
You need to understand that there is no logic behind approach anxiety
You are so locked up in approach anxiety that you don’t even realize that it logically makes no sense. Step away from approach anxiety for a second and look at yourself from an outside point of view, like you are watching a movie.
You want something, that something is a girl. The chance to be with her, sleep with her, or maybe marry her.
When you see her you have 2 choices
1) Approach her, and try to get with her.
2) Don’t approach her, because you are too nervous.
Choice 1 can result in
A) Love/Sex/Eternal Happiness
B) A date
Choice 2 can result in
D) Days of regret
Choice 2 will never result in A or B.
Choice 1 can result in either A, B, or C but can never result in D.
It doesn’t get any simpler than that. Choice 1 is the only choice that makes any logical sense. You may get rejected, but who cares. You will have forgotten about that in 5 minutes.
By not approaching her the only option you are giving yourself is option D, every time.
Some more logic
Approaching vs. not approaching comes down to this.
“Long-term gain/Short term discomfort vs. Short term comfort/Long term pain.” – Psychopath, RSD Nation
When I read that for the first time it blew my mind, not because I didn’t know that, but because I did.
At the core, every man knows this. The problem is that most men completely forget this when the time comes. Your mind melts when you see a girl you want to go after. Everything you spend hours pinning into your brain just disappears and your IQ drops instantly.
But it doesn’t have to. If you learn to center yourself, breathe, and remember that the regret of not talking to this girl will always be worse than any rejection, then you will start to realize that you have to talk to this girl.
Approaching a girl causes you to leave your comfort zone shortly for the potential of long-term happiness.
Not approaching a girl causes you short-term comfort, but results in the long-term pain of regret, being single, and never getting laid.
Every time you let approach anxiety win you are choosing regret over happiness.
Tips for success
No matter how prepared you are the first approach is going to be extremely difficult. There are a lot of things you can do to make it easier.
1) Start slow
You don’t have to go right into telling girls you want to sleep with them. Do yourself a favor a take a month where you simply just go up to women and ask them for the time. Or for directions. This is not easy when you have approach anxiety. But this will be a great way to start getting into the habit of approaching and talking to women, without any pressure on the outcome.
2) Don’t put pressure on yourself
Don’t put any unnecessary pressure on yourself. You will develop at your own pace and can take as long as you want. Just relax and try to make it fun.
3) Find a friend
Find a buddy who is in the same state as you. I did all this by myself and it wasn’t the greatest thing ever. If you can find a friend with the same interest, you two can motivate each other and make it fun or even competitive. This will really help you more than anything else.
This is a really good starting place for anyone to conquer approach anxiety. If you get one thing from this article it’s to just get out there and do it. You will never beat approach anxiety by reading. Prepare, hit the field, remember what you know, and go kill it.
Hey guys, I’m Sean a self improvement enthusiast with over 10 years experience in the health and wellness industry. My mission is to help you become the best version of yourself.
Certifications: Certified Life Coach, Dating Coach, Nutritionist