What if your dating life no longer needed to be an uphill struggle?
What if you could connect deeply with the type of woman out there that you would love to have in your life? What if a loving and fulfilling relationship became a real accessible thing, rather than an elusive dream?
I’ve been that guy before… the struggling guy, the one who dreamed of having a beautiful woman in my life but didn’t know how to move forward with that, I was imprisoned by fear. The fear of the unknown, the fear of needing to be the perfect man, and I kept women at arm’s length. I was scared of rejection and I was scared of getting hurt.
I wanted to so badly to be that cool, confident guy who could seduce women effortlessly and gracefully into their arms, you know… James Bond type. Well, I never did do that, but I got something better instead, I got to be me, to the fullest extent, I got to let go of the struggle, I got to enjoy the process by being a student of self-discovery.
This is the ultimate guide to your dating life. If you take action you will not just have more women in your life, or create the relationship you want.
You will also create inner freedom that is far more important than any date or relationship we shall ever experience. it is this freedom that I always craved growing up, a freedom to be the creator of my own life, the freedom to be authentically me, the freedom of choice, the freedom to be real, the freedom to love and be loved.
It is this freedom that I always craved growing up, a freedom to be the creator of my own life, the freedom to be authentically me, the freedom of choice, the freedom to be real, the freedom to love and be loved.
I am going to break this guide down into 10 of the most important steps you can possibly take for your dating life to skyrocket to the next level.
These 10 steps are actionable steps, you can read them as many times as you like, but nothing will change just by reading… this guide is for actions takers only.
If you only going to read that advice without actually applying it then you can leave now, and save yourself few minutes. Did you decide to stay?
OK! I like it. You really know what you want, let’s start now!
10 Actionable Steps For Men Struggling With Their Dating Life:
1) Forget Pickup, Be Real Instead
I have spoken to so many men who have struggled with women and have come across the pickup industry, they learn lines, jokes and ways of being that do not align with who they really are so they can get more women in their lives.
The pickup industry is based on hiding one’s true self with routines, masks, and layers so it doesn’t hurt quite as much when you get rejected or are turned down by women.
That industry is slowly dying, but it’s still there, so beware of its presence and then forget all about its existence. It’s time to get real instead.
It’s okay, all that you feel, the fear, the nerves, and the self-doubt. It’s okay that you do not know what to say to a woman on a date, it’s okay to show that you are attracted to women, it’s okay to desire them and for that to be known, you are not a creep.
It’s okay not to be the club kind of guy, it’s okay to not hang around in bars, beer in hand with preying eyes upon women.
It’s okay to not be cool, it’s okay if you don’t have much money, it’s okay to not feel confident, it’s okay to splutter your words when you walk over to a woman, just breathe, relax, you are doing great.
Being real is unbelievably attractive, do you know how hard that is to find? SOOOOO HARD. If you are real, then you are different from every other guy out there, not only that but you will find you have so much more energy to actually live your life, it is so draining to hide away and it is so draining to wear masks.
Let me clarify here that being real doesn’t mean saying hurtful things to others just because you are speaking your truth, being real is having both empathies for yourself and having empathy for others.
Being real is to connect more deeply with others, being real will change your dating life.
2) Learn Self-Awareness
So if you are going to be real, you have to know what is real is for you right? Well for this to happen, self-awareness is paramount.
Self-awareness is the ability to be introspective of one’s emotions, thoughts, feelings, intuition, wants, and needs. Self-awareness is an opening to become a student of self-discovery, to know how we are showing up in the world, how real we are being, what scares us, what we actually want, what our needs are, to feel our emotions, to watch our inner dialogue of thoughts and so much more…
So how do we become self-aware? Well, one way is to get a coach or mentor who can be a mirror for who you are actually being in the world, they can show you your blind spots, giving you insights into who you really are deep within, I happen to be an excellent coach specifically in that area you can learn more about that here.
The other way is to slow down, slow way down.
Practice meditation, go for walks, start Yoga, start being more present throughout your day, begin to notice how you think, what labels and stories do you create? What habits do you practice? What triggers you?
Self-awareness is a vast practice which never ends so just start by slowing down your life a little, keeping as busy as possible and staying in your head probably isn’t the best way to develop self-awareness.
3) Develop Self-Love, So You Can Love Others
Love yourself, you’ve probably heard that before right? It’s cliche but of utmost importance, there is a reason it comes up a lot, it is unbelievably powerful to love ourselves deeply.
No, by loving yourself you are not arrogant or self-righteous, by loving yourself you are selfishly selfless. Self-love is a journey of acceptance and kindness to one’s self, without this we reflect onto others the negative judgments we inflict upon ourselves.
When we aren’t loving to ourselves we are literally projecting that onto others, because of that, naturally all of our interactions and relationships suffer.
How can we possibly have a loving relationship, or a connecting interaction with new women if we aren’t constantly thinking negatively about ourselves? How can we allow others to feel relaxed around us if we aren’t even relaxed with ourselves?
4) Learn To Dissolve Yourself In The Presence Of Others
In my own journey, once I felt my self-love was at a great level for me, I naturally stepped into a new level of being, one that served my own life in so many amazing ways.
This way of being I am talking about is the “dissolving of ourselves” in the service of others, it is where we are no longer thinking about ourselves, it is where you let go of being validated and accepted or seen as interesting by others. It is where you come out of your own head, you love outwardly, you give our everything to others and you give it relentlessly.
The thing with giving to others is that the self-love zone cannot be bypassed.
In fact, it is essential, if your own needs aren’t being met, emotionally, physically and spiritually then you cannot be there for others.
Not without your sense of self-getting in the way, you will have agendas to what you do, you will feel needy, with an expectation of getting something back, something you aren’t giving to yourself.
The thing is, if you don’t want to feel down, have low moods, or feel self-pity then you must learn to dissolve your sense of self and instead get the f*ck out of your heads. It is essential to be more happy and relaxed, it is essential to being more loving.
If you want to create loving fulfillment in your intimate relationships and have deeply connecting interactions then you must let go of yourself completely for that person in front of you. You must become curious about them and only them. Listen deeply to their words, make them feel interesting, allow them to feel attractive, accepted, liked, and loved.
It isn’t about you, forget about your sense of self for a minute.
Dissolve yourself and you will connect more deeply than ever with everyone you meet.
This is a practice that can take time, but what an amazing thing to practice in your dating life, what an amazing journey to take.
5) Dating Is Not About Success
I am going to keep this really short. Forget about any kind of success with women, forget about how many women you have slept with or how many dates you have gone on, forget about one day having it all figured out and being a stud.
Forget it all. And then….. Do this instead:
Enjoy the journey and the progression of your own self-discovery, fall in love with it and be okay with making mistakes over and over and over. Learn from those mistakes and repeat.
6) Learn About Your Own Sexual Energy
This is a huge topic, one that I can barely scratch the surface of within this article, but what I will say is this:
You as a man reading this are a sexual being, born from sex, you are literally sex itself, you have hormones such as testosterone that pumps through your body.
You will want sex, you will crave sex, you will sometimes not be able to get a hard-on, you will sometimes be overwhelmed with spikes of testosterone and become too masculine, you will sometimes deplete your sexual energy with chronic ejaculation either through sex or masturbation and feel weak and unsure of yourself.
Sex is a vulnerability, embrace that.
Whatever you feel, it’s okay, it’s normal, I want to invite you to let go of shame around your sexuality and your desires, I want you to learn to be aware of your own sexual energy and for it to not rule your life, your penis isn’t the best decision-maker, nor is your addiction to ejaculation, the best decision-maker in your heart.
Follow that and don’t get stuck down below.
Here’s an article I wrote on why men should even care about the topic in the first place, you can read or bookmark it to read later. I highly recommend reading David Deida’s book “The Enlightened Sex Manual”.
7) Stop Judging Yourself & Others
Most men judge others, just like women, the judge, a lot.
But do you want to be most men?
I think this simple human behavior holds the key to most of your fear in meeting the women you desire.
To interact with love, you must part yourself from the idea that judging is an okay part of being human, judging isn’t a good thing, it has never been a good thing, it blocks any kind of heartfelt connection from happening.
A beautiful person is a feeling, not a judgment from a simple look in their direction, would there be anxiety in talking to an ‘exceptionally attractive woman’ if you didn’t judge how they looked?
The moment you see an attractive woman you start judging without any feeling of what you are actually seeing. and automatically even thinking about going and talking to this woman we deem and judge as being ‘hot’, we are suddenly filled with fear, we think she is above us, too good for us, “she would never like me”, judgment brings presumption, and most presumption is from fear and negativity.
Automatically even thinking about going and talking to this woman you judge as being ‘hot’, you are suddenly filled with fear, you think she is above you, too good for you, “she would never like me”, judgment brings presumption, and most presumptions come from fear and negativity.
When you finally psyche yourself up enough to go over to her, you have fear of the outcome, we have a fear of being rejected because of the presumptions we have made about her and it’s all because we have no empathy for her. She is suddenly a target, an ego-boost, a mere accomplishment and that’s where fear pops up.
She is no longer your equal, she is no longer one with you, she is something to be acquired. because – “If I get to sleep with this girl, I’ll feel so good, she’s an 8 or 9 at least, oh man what will the lads say when they hear about this”, naturally she feels something isn’t quite right when you are interacting with her, she isn’t really being seen, she isn’t being felt.
“If I get to sleep with this girl, I’ll feel so good, she’s an 8 or 9 at least, oh man what will the lads say when they hear about this” you might be thinking. Naturally, she feels something isn’t quite right when you are interacting with her, she isn’t really being seen, she isn’t being felt.
Do away with judgment and practice feeling in its place, feel what it’s like to be her.
Imagine seeing a beautiful woman you want to meet and instead of automatically thinking “oh wow, she’s gorgeous”, instead start to try to feel her beauty without just seeing her as this ‘hot girl’ to validate you.
Feel her beauty, feel it in your heart, appreciate her beauty and become curious about her, drop your judgment, drop your presumptions, feel your desire for her and feel what a gift your desire would be to her if you expressed that desire from a genuine place.
Practice non-judgment, then there won’t be fear of any particular result, you know nothing about her, not yet, so this is a time to learn, become curious about her as a person and there won’t be any separation between you and her. She is much more than her base layer looks you are judging, yes you can still admire her beauty, yes, of course, you can find her attractive, but instead of thinking it, feel it.
Your dating life deserves it.
8) Not Everyone Will Like You
Those who judge themselves automatically feel judged by others. The second part of letting go of judgment is letting go of the self-judgment, I talk about this in step number two, the stories you tell yourself are of utmost importance to become aware of.
You can really be quite harsh on yourself. Judging ourselves harshly for mistakes we have made, telling ourselves we aren’t enough, that we could never do it even if we tried, that people will never like us for who we really are.
Imagine talking to others in the way we sometimes talk to ourselves, imagine telling the people in our lives that they aren’t enough or that they are failures and stupid for making mistakes. Watch the way you talk to yourself, it isn’t going to be too pretty to observe this part of yourself at first, but have compassion for those judgments and practice forgiveness for that.
Here’s an example for you:
One day you begin to notice you are judging yourself as a failure who can never get things right, notice that thought and forgive yourself like this “I forgive myself for judging myself as being a failure that can never get things right”, repeat this forgiveness until you feel in your heart, have compassion for those thoughts, don’t get annoyed with yourself when you start to notice how much you judge yourself, just observe and forgive, over and over again.
Then once you greatly diminish the number of times you negatively judge yourself and the new level of self-acceptance you have acquired, will allow you to understand that not everyone will like you and that’s OKAY. As long as YOU LIKE AND LOVE YOU. Then that leads to the next step of your dating life improvement.
9) Get Clear On WHO You Actually Want In Your Life
I remember back when I first started dating how much I held myself back and how much I put a girl that I didn’t even know yet so high up on a pedestal, I wanted them to like and love me so much that I forgot that I also have a choice to actually work out whether I actually like or love them.
I didn’t even think about the importance of who I wanted in my life, I mean I just wanted a relationship so much that it seemed I was willing to have one with a girl I didn’t even like.
Looking back, that to me is crazy, so many men do this, they see a girl, they get a number and they go on a date and suddenly their self-esteem depends on this one woman and how she responds to them.
They want them in their life so much that they forget to actually check if they like them or not.
I encourage and invite you to write these out and take some time really feeling into what you really want, write it all down in detail, feel it with your heart:
1. How would I describe the type of woman I would love to have in my life?
2. How do I envision my partner being? (Are they right for me?)
3. How do I want this relationship to look and feel, what’s my vision? How do I visualize this relationship?
4. How do I envision myself being with my partner? (What are my actions, values, and beliefs).
5. What does a fulfilling partnership look like to me?
These questions are so simple, yet can change the course of our relationships forever, work out what you actually want, then creating that becomes a lot simpler.
10) Stay With That Vision
Your vision of what you want is so important, stay with that vision, keep it at the forefront of your mind, to experience what you want from your dating life.
Of course, our vision isn’t set in stone, we are ever-changing human beings, last year we may have wanted something completely different in our vision to what we want this year, and then next year it could change again, that’s okay. What is important is that it’s yours, not someone else’s vision of you, not the shoulds and shouldn’t of society making decisions for you. You are the creator of your life, keep it that way.
So What’s Next?
I have said it once already and I will say it again, if you have read this article then that is one part of your job done, I congratulate you on that (it’s a long article after all). The second part of your job is to take action, take action every single day and practice these 3 things whilst taking that action.
Have patience and enjoy the journey, be compassionate toward yourself and allow yourself to make mistakes, be a student of life, you don’t need to be perfect but instead, you need to be consistent.
Be consistent, every single one of the 10 steps I have outlined is lifelong practices and ways of being, be consistent, don’t do it for one week and give up, keep going, do not stop.
Become a student of life and practice and progress, practice and progress, start to get excited about the journey of practice, it can be so much fun, enjoy it!