This is a post written by Jordan Harbinger, creator of The Art of Charm. Jordan is an expert in social dynamics, dating & relationships and we were pretty stoked when he contacted us wanting to write a piece for MenProvement. So sit back, and take notes – because this article could change your life. Update: Jordan Harbinger has changed his profile and has awesome podcasts The Jordan Harbinger Show.
Advice for the 25-year-old virgin
It’s not our typical customer, but we do get virgins regularly, be they 25 or sometimes even 35. The average male in America loses his virginity right before his 17th birthday. And while everyone hits milestones in their own time, that’s something that’s easier to say than it is to hear as your 20th, 25th, 30th birthdays pass you by and you still haven’t done the deed.
But hey, The Art of Charm is here to help you out, even to help some of the hardest cases go from 0 to 60 in 4.5 seconds.
Chances are good that if you’re a 25-year-old version, it’s not just about the sex. In some sense, it’s about your pride, yes. But more to the point, it’s about a connection that you’re not making that you wish you were. So how do you start making those connections?
I’m not going to lie: If you’re 25 and still looking to seal the deal, you’ve got some catching up to do. That’s the bad news. The good news is that the work ahead of you — while hard — is also a lot of fun. What’s more, you get to do it at a point in your life when you’ve got a far better sense of yourself and who you are. This, in a sense, is going to make doing that work a lot easier than it might be if you were younger.
So here it is, your guide to getting out there and meeting the right one for you.
The first thing you need to do is drop your case of One-itis. What is “One-itis?” Put simply, it’s the idea that there’s “The One” waiting out there for you and all you need to do is find her.
In fact, relationships are much more complicated than that — even the life-long love your grandparents had. Finding “The One” has a lot more to do with the work you do with her than it does with a largely mythical concept that “The Right One” is out there just waiting for you and all you have to do is turn over the right rock.
You might find “The One” and lose the V-card to her. However, most relationships are not made to last forever and that’s OK. Rather than setting the unattainable bar of her being “The One True and Perfect Love of Your Life,” start looking for someone you dig, respect, trust, and have a connection with.
That’s what’s important.
Level Up Your Appearance Game
This is basic advice for any man who is looking to meet more women, but it’s absolutely essential for the 25-year-old virgin. What do I mean by “level up your appearance game?” Mostly that you shouldn’t be dressing much as you did in high school or even college. Some basic pointers any man can use to improve his appearance:
– Wear clothes that fit. Don’t know if your clothes fit right? Ask a hot sales girl for help… then get her number.
– Get your hair cut regularly. “Regularly” means at least every six weeks. If you have facial hair, be it a mustache or a big wooly beard, you still need to trim and maintain it.
– Wear clothes that are “you.” This one shouldn’t require any help, really — you put it on and you either like how it makes you feel or it doesn’t.
– Wear clothes that are appropriate for the situation. Say that you’re into video games and you own a grip of Mario Bros. shirts. That’s fine, but is that good to wear at the club or on a first date?
One last point on this: Appearance extends to your living space. Again, you should represent yourself and who you are here, and if that means tons of Dungeons and Dragons models or comic book posters, that’s fine. But make sure your place is neat and clean and that you’re presenting these things in an adult way; For example, posters absolutely, positively, need to be framed after high school.
What’s Up With Your Friends?
No, I’m not about to attack your friends.
What I am going to do, however, is suggest that you do three things:
1) Evaluate your current friendships. What are they doing for you? What are they not doing for you? What are they adding and what are they taking away? I’m not a proponent of cutting people off unless they’re incredibly toxic. With that said, there’s something between cozying up to people who are a drag on your self-improvement and totally cutting them out. Maybe create a little distance for yourself?
2) Reconnect with old friends. We all have people that used to be in our lives we wish we were a little closer to today. Reach out to those people. If there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that even the biggest disagreements can seriously lose significance in no time at all.
3) Reach out to new friends. Don’t look at going out as being all about meeting women. It can also be about meeting guys to hang out with. And who knows… the guy you get together with for a hike today could introduce you to the love of your life (or at least the next few months of it) next week.
Now put all this advice together: Get your new friends and old friends in a room together and tell them to bring their friends. Become the guy who knows how to throw a killer party.
Talk to Girls Every Day
One reason you’re still a virgin? It might be the case that you have a particularly aggressive form of approach anxiety. There’s only one cure for this: Get out there and talk to some women every day of your life.
Think about it: There are kinds of women around you. You see them walking down the street, in line at the grocery store, waiting for the bus, and about a dozen other places. Why not talk to them? You don’t have to get a number, though you might want to. Instead, focus on getting over your fear of talking to women.
Trust me when I tell you that the practice you get bantering with the cashier at the gas station is going to pay off when you’re out at the hottest club in town.
Sure, this is way easier said than done, right?
Maybe not: Maybe being interesting is about being interested in something. What are your passions? How much time do you make for them? What are the passions you’ve wanted to make time for that you never seem to be able to fit in?
Get excited about something, man. It’s going to make you seem exciting, no matter what it is. One of the things women love about men is their passion and drive. Get a little bit of each and you’re going to increase your stock on the sexual marketplace tenfold.
Stop Reading, Start Doing
Another thing I notice about a lot of our virgin clients? They’re experts at theory. They know it inside and out. And yet, they’re not out there making it happen for them.
Remember that all the theory in the world isn’t worth much of anything if you’re not putting it into practice. So put it into practice… starting right now.
That’s right: Before you close your laptop, read this again and find one thing you know you can go out and do right now. No excuses — you and I both know you can make this happen.
If you like what Jordan had to say & you’re interested in The Art of Charm residential programs, apply for a strategy call with a coach today.